I feel so ungrateful for what I have most of the time. I have a good job, car, home. I am, nor have I ever been, food insecure. I am able to afford heath care. I am able to do some fun things. I get lots of time off. I have a great husband, a great job. I should be happy with it all. I feel guilty when I am not. A lot of what we have we worked for in preparation for having Kyler. With out him it feels incomplete. Sometimes I wonder what the point of working is, we could live on a lot less. We just wanted to have a nice home for our kids.
Work has been okay. I trained a few new analysts last week. It went pretty well except every once in a while the calls would slow down and they would start talking. For some reason their conversations always ended up involving their kids. I know people talk a lot about their kids, but it seemed like they were the topic of every conversation. Usually they were complaining about things like the baby waking them up at 3am. I wish my baby woke me up at 3 am. I can't really tell them "Hey, you are reminding me what you have that I don't, and you are being ungrateful about it, so shut up." At least I was able to leave the area some of the time though, that helped. The good news is I get to go back to the days off I had originally, Sat, Sun, Wed. So now I only have to do two days in a row again. That makes me feel a lot more like I can deal with work.
A couple weeks I was having a rough day and it started to really bother me that we never got Kyler's stillbirth certificate. We had asked them to send us one, but never got it. So I went ahead and ordered one. It came a couple days ago. It is nice to have. Proof that he existed, even to the state of Idaho. I didn't expect it to have as much information on it as it does. One thing that is really bothering me is that it says he died because of a placental abruption. After we found out he had died they did a blood test that indicated I had a placental abruption, but then when we delivered him the doctor found the cord wrapped tightly around his neck so she said that was probably what he died from. In fact, she confirmed that when I went in for my checkups after we had him, but the still birth certificate says differently. It doesn't really matter. I guess I have just been trying to wrap my head around "cord accident" for the last 9 months, I don't like another possibility being thrown in the mix. We'll never know exactly what happened and knowing wouldn't bring him back though.
We went to McCall this weekend and rode the "Scenic" chairlift. It wasn't as beautiful as it could have been due to the smoke in the area but it was pretty nice. We rode it up, walked around the summit a bit and rode it back down. Then we went into McCall for lunch. It was a pretty good day, but when we got home I got upset. For some reason I couldn't get over the thought that Kyler would have loved it. He would have loved the car ride and the chair lift. After we got home Clay Ranon and I curled up in bed and watched a movie. That helped me feel a little better.
We also went to the fair today. I wanted to go, but I didn't at the same time. Last year I was pretty upset that I couldn't go to the fair. This year I was wishing I was stuck on the couch pregnant again. We went anyway and had a pretty good time. Oddly enough the chairlift effected me more then the fair.
We are doing okay, but lately it seems like we are doing worse then we have been in months. I don't know if it is all the stress with work and the chaos with my sister or what. Our fridge and cupboards are getting close to empty and we are eating out nearly every meal again. Like we did when I first got home from the hospital. Hopefully the new schedule for work will help us get back on track, or at least back where we were.
No comments:
Post a Comment