Lots of Love

Sometimes when we go to visit Kyler, I see all the graves around his and wonder about their stories.  Every once in a while someone leaves something on one of the other graves, but usually they just seem lonely and forgotten.  I've wondered if their parents had just moved on, especially the older graves.  I wonder if we will get to where we don't visit often and leave him things.  Well, I got my answer Monday.  They may not leave things as often as we do, but all the babies there are still loved and remembered.

Kyler got a new neighbor in the last couple weeks.  He hasn't had any new neighbors since we laid him to rest, I was hoping it would be longer.  I don't know these people, but my heart breaks for them.  I hope they are doing alright.

I think I've talked about the swans that swim in Kyler's pond.  Well it looks like they had a baby!

I don't think I've ever seen a baby swan before.  He's so cute.

I have next week off of work.  I am pretty excited.  I am going to sit around outside, go on walks, hikes, bike rides and play in the sun.  I wish my husband was able to have the week off with me but he's got to work.  I have almost finished all the blankets I have fleece for.  I am going to try and finish them this week and take them in next week.  

Progress

Today I did something I didn't think I'd ever be able to do again.  I browsed a baby section in a store. Some day we plan to have more kids.  I was beginning to think if I had another kid that I would have to send someone else out shopping for it until it was 5, but I think I'll be able to do it.  I didn't spend long in that section, but it didn't hurt like it has before.  Of course I went at a time when there were no pregnant people or babies there, but I still did it.  I was able to think more about what we would buy for a future child then what we "should" be buying for Kyler.  We like to believe Kyler is busy picking out his little brother or sister and that they are going to play in heaven until he sends them to us.

Other big news.  At the end of June I get the option to go back to my old job.  I am pretty excited that I will be able to make the decision for myself and that I am not stuck in my new position if I don't want to be.  My new boss said yesterday that he needed me to stick with him until the end of June to get things settled down but then I would have the option to go back.  I am not sure if I will go back or not.  It depends on how the next month goes, but it is such a relief to know I'll have the option.

Scheduling in my new position has been a nightmare.  I have to work a few weekends which is fine, but the way it worked out I had to work 7 days in a row.  A month or so ago I could barely do 2 days in a row and suddenly I had to do 7.  I didn't think I would make it through, but I did.  I am on my "weekend" today and tomorrow.  Then I have to go back fro 6 days and have a 10 day vacation.  I don't think I could do many more 7 day weeks though.

My husband got a job through the temp agency which should last until August.  That is such a relief for the budget.  He will be working a lot of overtime so we should be able to make some good headway on Kyler's bills and be able to do a few fun things if we ever have a day off together.  Unfortunately a condition of him getting the job was he had to be there the week we were supposed to go on our vacation for our 5th anniversary.  I am pretty upset that we don't get to go, but I realize it is what we had to do.  I am still taking the week off and I will be able to get a lot of little things I've been meaning to do around the house done and I will be able to go visit my sister.   Hopefully it is sunny and I will be able to sit around outside in the sun.

Mothers Day in Pictures

I know a lot of people were worried about me on mothers day and I appreciate it.  It was a hard day but Clay and I worked hard to make sure I had a good day.  We had a lot of offers to do things with other people but we just needed to hang out together.  Clay let me sleep in and then made me pancakes, sausage, hashbrowns and eggs since I didn't want to go out to breakfast with all the happy mothers.  After breakfast we released 1500 lady bugs, well 1497 lady bugs in our yard.

Ranon was upset that we didn't let him help release the lady bugs in the front yard.

Then we stopped to see Kyler and gave him the other 3 lady bugs and and left him some white carnations.  At his funeral, we all dropped a white carnation in his grave.  I guess it is kind of his flower now.  While we were there, this beautiful swan was just sitting there looking at us.  I don't think it was a coincidence.

After we visited Kyler, we went on a hike to Jump Creek.  Jump Creek is this little creek out in the middle of the desert.  If you hike about a 1/4 mile back there is a pretty awesome waterfall.

After we checked out the waterfall I drug Clay all over the hills surrounding the creek trying to find the top of the waterfall.  We didn't find it, but we'll go back sometime.  The top has to be right there somewhere.

After the hike, we drove around and checked out some of the small towns in southwest Idaho and eastern Oregon.  Then we came back into civilization and found a small not busy Mexican restaurant to indulge my tamale cravings. 

After lunch we headed back home and hung out in the backyard.  I did some more chalk "art".

Blew some bubbles

Planted flowers and some things in the garden.

Ranon thought it was a pretty good day.

All things considered, I think it was a pretty good day too.

Being a Mother

When we found out in July that there was a potential problem with Kyler, I was willing to do anything to protect him.  By the time they were taking me to surgery the first time, I no longer cared about myself.  I just wanted him to be safe.  Then came the bed rest.  Lots of people ask how I in the world I did it.  It's simple, that's what had to be done to save my son, so I did it.  Was I tempted to disregard the doctor's orders.  Yes, but I didn't.  Kyler needed me to stay on the couch.

The couple weeks before I had him I was scared.  I wasn't sure I wanted to have a baby.  I didn't think I could handle it.  I didn't think I was ready for out lives to change.  I wasn't sure I could take care of him.  Even though we had already lost him, that all changed the moment they had me hold him.  I was instantly sure that he was what I wanted, I could have done it.  I loved him.

Do I wish things had turned out differently?  Of course.  Do I wish I'd not gotten pregnant?  Never.  Would I do it all again for the chance to have a living child?  Definitely.

Having Kyler is helping me realize how strong I am.  It is helping me figure out which relationships in my life are important and healthy and which ones are not.  It has helped me become secure in my beliefs.  It has helped me take less things for granted, worry less about the small things, stand up for myself more, work to make a difference in other's lives.  

Tomorrow we are going to avoid all the happy mother's day activities.  I am sad, and I should be.  I don't want to see all the happy mom's out with their kids.  But I don't intend on staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself either.  That wouldn't do me any good.  It is supposed to be 83 and sunny here.  I plan to spend all day outside in the sun with Clay and Ranon.  I am not exactly sure what we will do, but enjoying the blessings of each other and the beautiful outside world are in the plans.  Maybe we'll even turn off the computers and the phones. 

Being a mother does not have to do with how many living children you have.  Being a mother is unconditional love and willingness to do anything for your child, good or bad.

6 Months

Today Kyler would have been 6 months old.  The 6 months has seemed like such a long time, and such a short time.  Kyler's other "milestones" haven't bothered me too much, but this one has a little.  My husband and I slept in today and when we were getting up I warned him that today, this week, and next weekend will be hard for me.  He asked me what I wanted to do today and I told him I wanted to stop and see Kyler and then go play.  So we did.  We stopped at the cemetery and left a pinwheel for Kyler.  It is so pretty there.  I know that seem like a little bit of a weird thing to say, but the area he is in only allows flat headstones so it just looks like a big park.  All the trees have leaves on them now, the grass is green and all the ducks, geese and swans in the pond next to his grave have babies.  We couldn't have picked a better place for him.

After we went and dropped off the pinwheel we went on a bike ride.  We rode from barber park to sandy point and back.  It was great to be out and about and accomplish one of those kind of things that not everyone else can do.

Right now I am sitting outside soaking up some sun and then I think that Clay and I are going to go play catch, or maybe fly a kite.  Then I think I'll come home, blow bubbles and play with my sidewalk chalk. The counselor asked me this week what would do if I didn't have to go to work.  I told her I'd go play.  She was surprised.  She was sure that I would say I would go hide in bed or something.  I'm still trying to think of some solution for work but I haven't come up with one.  I don't think becoming a gypsy is a viable life plan for us.

Kyler's 6 months just happened to fall on International Bereaved Mother's day.  I'm not sure how you are supposed to "celebrate" Bereaved Mothers Day.  I figured trying my hardest to have a good day and visiting Kyler was a good start.  Next week is the "real" Mother's Day.  I'm not sure what we are going to do for that day either.  I know for sure we are not going to spend it around a bunch of happy mothers.  Maybe we will just do like we did today.

Ugh!

Ugh!  Two weeks ago I was sitting at work minding my own business wrapping up a day of training with my latest set of newbies when one of the other departments managers came up to me and asked if I could come with him.  I followed him all over the building and we ended up in this video conference room.  On the screen was an empty room in another of my company's buildings, then in walked my bosses, bosses, boss.  They told me they needed me for a top secret project and that I now reported to this other manager.  They didn't tell me anything more about it other then to show up in a training room at 8AM the following Monday.  It was very surreal.

In the end I found out they were consolidating another of the company's call centers into ours.  I was excited about the change, but now I am not sure this is the right move for me.  I feel pretty lost.  I still don't know what it is that I am supposed to be doing.  The whole project seems to be a bit of the blind leading the blind.. and I am the leader, but then I don't know if that is what I am supposed to be doing.  I don't know if this is a permanent change or just temporary.  I don't feel like the input is being taken into consideration.  I just don't know.  It is stressing me out and that is not what I need right now.  I think the thing that is giving me the most worry is that I was taken out from under the boss who has been so helpful and understanding this whole time and thrown under someone I don't even know.  I want to stick it out for a while and see where it goes, but I am stressed out.

The project was top secret for a week and a half.  I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it for a week and a half.  My new boss kept asking if anyone was asking me what I was up to.  Nope, no one did.  I guess I can just disappear for a week an no one will notice... that makes me feel pretty awesome about the "friends" I have at work and my value to the department.  I was also right in the middle of a 4 week training class of new analysts for my old job when I was pulled.  I thought maybe me being pulled from training last minute would have a small effect on the training.  It doesn't look like it.  It looks like everyone just went on with out missing me at all.

Last week I got in an email exchange with someone who I hadn't talked to in a few years.  They asked how the last few years had been and I told them good and bad.  I told them a little about Ranon, my husband and dog and then told them how we lost Kyler and were working through that.  I know it is awkward and sad but it is a big part of our lives, but I don't think it would be honoring Kyler to leave his story out when people ask about our lives.  Yeah, after I told them that... I didn't get anything back.  That makes me feel like such a leper.

I am tired of feeling like an outcast.  I just want to take Clay and Ranon and run away and start over new somewhere.  Blah!  Now everyone is going to read this and feel sorry for me and worry about me.  Not what I want.  My life is really not that bad, I have a couple of very good friends and an awesome husband and puppy.  I am loving the spring weather and being outside all day every weekend.  We have tons of fun every weekend.  I am just struggling with having to work and some of my acquaintances.