Being a Mother

When we found out in July that there was a potential problem with Kyler, I was willing to do anything to protect him.  By the time they were taking me to surgery the first time, I no longer cared about myself.  I just wanted him to be safe.  Then came the bed rest.  Lots of people ask how I in the world I did it.  It's simple, that's what had to be done to save my son, so I did it.  Was I tempted to disregard the doctor's orders.  Yes, but I didn't.  Kyler needed me to stay on the couch.

The couple weeks before I had him I was scared.  I wasn't sure I wanted to have a baby.  I didn't think I could handle it.  I didn't think I was ready for out lives to change.  I wasn't sure I could take care of him.  Even though we had already lost him, that all changed the moment they had me hold him.  I was instantly sure that he was what I wanted, I could have done it.  I loved him.

Do I wish things had turned out differently?  Of course.  Do I wish I'd not gotten pregnant?  Never.  Would I do it all again for the chance to have a living child?  Definitely.

Having Kyler is helping me realize how strong I am.  It is helping me figure out which relationships in my life are important and healthy and which ones are not.  It has helped me become secure in my beliefs.  It has helped me take less things for granted, worry less about the small things, stand up for myself more, work to make a difference in other's lives.  

Tomorrow we are going to avoid all the happy mother's day activities.  I am sad, and I should be.  I don't want to see all the happy mom's out with their kids.  But I don't intend on staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself either.  That wouldn't do me any good.  It is supposed to be 83 and sunny here.  I plan to spend all day outside in the sun with Clay and Ranon.  I am not exactly sure what we will do, but enjoying the blessings of each other and the beautiful outside world are in the plans.  Maybe we'll even turn off the computers and the phones. 

Being a mother does not have to do with how many living children you have.  Being a mother is unconditional love and willingness to do anything for your child, good or bad.