Ugh! Two weeks ago I was sitting at work minding my own business wrapping up a day of training with my latest set of newbies when one of the other departments managers came up to me and asked if I could come with him. I followed him all over the building and we ended up in this video conference room. On the screen was an empty room in another of my company's buildings, then in walked my bosses, bosses, boss. They told me they needed me for a top secret project and that I now reported to this other manager. They didn't tell me anything more about it other then to show up in a training room at 8AM the following Monday. It was very surreal.
In the end I found out they were consolidating another of the company's call centers into ours. I was excited about the change, but now I am not sure this is the right move for me. I feel pretty lost. I still don't know what it is that I am supposed to be doing. The whole project seems to be a bit of the blind leading the blind.. and I am the leader, but then I don't know if that is what I am supposed to be doing. I don't know if this is a permanent change or just temporary. I don't feel like the input is being taken into consideration. I just don't know. It is stressing me out and that is not what I need right now. I think the thing that is giving me the most worry is that I was taken out from under the boss who has been so helpful and understanding this whole time and thrown under someone I don't even know. I want to stick it out for a while and see where it goes, but I am stressed out.
The project was top secret for a week and a half. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it for a week and a half. My new boss kept asking if anyone was asking me what I was up to. Nope, no one did. I guess I can just disappear for a week an no one will notice... that makes me feel pretty awesome about the "friends" I have at work and my value to the department. I was also right in the middle of a 4 week training class of new analysts for my old job when I was pulled. I thought maybe me being pulled from training last minute would have a small effect on the training. It doesn't look like it. It looks like everyone just went on with out missing me at all.
Last week I got in an email exchange with someone who I hadn't talked to in a few years. They asked how the last few years had been and I told them good and bad. I told them a little about Ranon, my husband and dog and then told them how we lost Kyler and were working through that. I know it is awkward and sad but it is a big part of our lives, but I don't think it would be honoring Kyler to leave his story out when people ask about our lives. Yeah, after I told them that... I didn't get anything back. That makes me feel like such a leper.
I am tired of feeling like an outcast. I just want to take Clay and Ranon and run away and start over new somewhere. Blah! Now everyone is going to read this and feel sorry for me and worry about me. Not what I want. My life is really not that bad, I have a couple of very good friends and an awesome husband and puppy. I am loving the spring weather and being outside all day every weekend. We have tons of fun every weekend. I am just struggling with having to work and some of my acquaintances.
Fishies, My most very special friend, I am not worried about you as you are doing all the right things and taking care of yourself and each other. I don't feel sorry for you, but I do feel pain that you had to endure such a tragedy. What I am about to say, I say with love. I don't think you are a leper our an outcast. It might feel like that, but for those that have not walked in your shoes, we have no idea what to say or how to say it. Saying, I'm sorry, what can I do, how can I help in actuality are words that hold little meaning to us in the grand scheme of things. The loss of a child is something that no parent should ever have to endure and there is no loss to equal it. So more than turning away from you, I think it is we don't know how to handle it ourselves or what can we do or say that will help in any way. So as for me, I just know you know I am here and if I can be of any help in any way you know I will. What I do know is the death of a loved one as I have said before is not something you ever get over...I was going through some old family photo's this past spring (2011), and ran onto some pictures that I had stuck away because it did me no good go look at them. They were pictures of the truck my 14 year old brother was killed in. All of a sudden I was back in the moment and the tears were running down my face as they are now. You can only learn to live with the tragedy. It will always be with you. I don't like to talk about it because it does put me back in the moment. So, because that is the way I feel, I have a tendency to project and think others have those same kinds of feelings. I can only speak for myself...I am always here any time...I might not talk about it...but if that was what you wanted to do, I surely would listen. anyway, I think it is more a lack of knowing what to say and how to react than you being an outcast. Just a point of view from someone that loves you a lot.
ReplyDelete