I don't know if I've said it before, but I mow my neighbors lawn. I admit it. It makes me nervous every time I do it. I'm sure she thinks I'm telling her she doesn't take good enough care of it herself. That's not it. I love mowing the lawn, I'm weird I know. Being outside, doing some physical labor, listening to music, having a pretty lawn to show for it when I'm done.. it's the best thing in the world. Yet, I know not everyone shares my feelings, or anyone really. So I mow her lawn. I'm always afraid she'll come out when I am doing it and ask me why I'm doing it. In fact a lot of the time I make sure to do it when I don't think she's there. Totally irrational. Who would get mad at someone for mowing their lawn?
We got Clay another car. Traded straight across for the one he had. It's good to have it done with. Now he's got a car that he kind of likes that hopefully will last until we can get him one he really likes. We still same amount that we did on it, but we moved that to a 0% credit card so we are saving a little bit of money.
There is a little bit of encouraging news for me on the job front, but I think for now I don't want to discuss it. It has given me a little bit of hope though.
I cut my hair short the other day. I had been thinking about cutting it and I had a few spare minutes the other day and just did it. I like it. Right now I am actually dying it blond. Why not. Just a little bit of a change.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Progress
I made it through this 5 day stretch of 10 hour days. Now I am off again 6 out of the next 9 days. I accomplished quite a few of my goals this week. I ate a healthy snack and lunch every day at work. I took at least two of my breaks each day. I pretty much just shut down my computer at 6 and said, it can wait until tomorrow. I've been to the gym every day this week except for the night we went bowling. I was even able to get a little bit of good sleep. I still am pretty down but I feel a little better.
Work hasn't been awful. Although I HATE not being able to be off work on the weekends, they are much less stressful for me. I just get to do my thing and make sure that everyone else is doing their thing and we are quite successful with out the micromanaging we have during the week. I have some pretty extreme anger on the weekdays that I am there. I keep thinking I am going to say something on one of those days and get my butt fired. I guess keeping my mouth closed and keeping my job is another accomplishment of the week. Today I was told they were training my replacement so I could go back to my old job. That should be good news but I am still not sure I want to go back to my old job. Plus they said I could go back when my replacement was "up to speed," which could be 2 weeks or 2 months or more. I've been told they would release me back to my old job before.. I guess I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe I'll find something different in the mean time.
We went to our group meeting tonight. I was hoping I'd get to talk a bit since I've been having a rough month, but I wasn't able to really. A new couple came today. Our group is getting bigger, its sad. I'm glad they found the group since it has been so helpful for me, but I wish they didn't have to be there. They are a mere 6 weeks out, they needed to the the focus of the meeting tonight way more then I did. For the last 3 months or so I've been trying to remember to take in some of the extra wrist bands I had gotten, but I hadn't been able to. Today I remembered. It just so happened that I had 3 bands, just enough for the 3 moms of angels there. I did feel kind of bad, the new dad wanted one too but I only had Mom ones. I'm going to order a some more so I have them if I find someone who needs them and make sure to get a few dad ones too.
Last night we went bowling with a group of our friends. It was fun. I'm glad we went. The highlight of the night for me was actually playing with one of those 25 cent little parachute guys and one of those little cheap airplanes. The deal we got for bowling included 2 hours of bowling plus some tokens for those stupid games that give you tickets. Well between the 5 of us we ended up with enough tickets to get an airplane and a parachute guy and we went out in the parking lot afterward and played with them. I'm such a kid.
I've got two days off now. My goal tomorrow is to rest. Puppy and I are going to sleep in as long as I can, then I think I am going to the gym and coming home and taking a nap. :) It sounds wonderful. We'll see if I can actually execute it. I have a very hard time not doing anything lately.
Work hasn't been awful. Although I HATE not being able to be off work on the weekends, they are much less stressful for me. I just get to do my thing and make sure that everyone else is doing their thing and we are quite successful with out the micromanaging we have during the week. I have some pretty extreme anger on the weekdays that I am there. I keep thinking I am going to say something on one of those days and get my butt fired. I guess keeping my mouth closed and keeping my job is another accomplishment of the week. Today I was told they were training my replacement so I could go back to my old job. That should be good news but I am still not sure I want to go back to my old job. Plus they said I could go back when my replacement was "up to speed," which could be 2 weeks or 2 months or more. I've been told they would release me back to my old job before.. I guess I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe I'll find something different in the mean time.
We went to our group meeting tonight. I was hoping I'd get to talk a bit since I've been having a rough month, but I wasn't able to really. A new couple came today. Our group is getting bigger, its sad. I'm glad they found the group since it has been so helpful for me, but I wish they didn't have to be there. They are a mere 6 weeks out, they needed to the the focus of the meeting tonight way more then I did. For the last 3 months or so I've been trying to remember to take in some of the extra wrist bands I had gotten, but I hadn't been able to. Today I remembered. It just so happened that I had 3 bands, just enough for the 3 moms of angels there. I did feel kind of bad, the new dad wanted one too but I only had Mom ones. I'm going to order a some more so I have them if I find someone who needs them and make sure to get a few dad ones too.
Last night we went bowling with a group of our friends. It was fun. I'm glad we went. The highlight of the night for me was actually playing with one of those 25 cent little parachute guys and one of those little cheap airplanes. The deal we got for bowling included 2 hours of bowling plus some tokens for those stupid games that give you tickets. Well between the 5 of us we ended up with enough tickets to get an airplane and a parachute guy and we went out in the parking lot afterward and played with them. I'm such a kid.
I've got two days off now. My goal tomorrow is to rest. Puppy and I are going to sleep in as long as I can, then I think I am going to the gym and coming home and taking a nap. :) It sounds wonderful. We'll see if I can actually execute it. I have a very hard time not doing anything lately.
Friday, July 13, 2012
One Year Since the World Started Tilting
On year ago today, if you count by days of the week, our lives started to turn upside down. We got up early and went down to the most exciting appointment you have when you are pregnant, the one to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We found out pretty quickly we were having a boy, but then things started spinning the minute the doctor called me a wheel chair ride to the hospital. It was our first reality check that there was no guarantee that we would go home with a baby. At this time that Friday night I was alone in my hospital room, trying to wrap my head around what was happening. I'm really not sure what to say. I am glad that we got to keep him for a few more months. I am so glad that I get to spend the night tonight at home with my puppy and husband. It's been a rough day and probably will be a rough weekend for me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
One Day's Goals Accomplished
With the exception of getting a good night sleep, I think I accomplished all my goals for the day. I took two of my breaks at work today (I'm supposed to get 3 but 2 is a good start). I ate a healthy mid morning snack of yogurt, then I actually ate lunch, and it was healthy at that, a salad. I did the best I could at work with out overloading myself. I kept an eye on the clock and pretty much got out of there on time. After work I went to the gym. I came home, browsed some different jobs, and even actually applied for one. I was pretty down all day still, but I feel good that I actually took care of myself.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Woah what happened to you
I went to counseling today. The last time I went she said I was doing so well that she suggested visits every 3 weeks. I didn't feel comfortable about that and said I'd rather stay at 2 weeks, but then the holiday got in the way and it has been 3 weeks. I walked in today already bawling, and was greeted by a woah what happened to you? After our session we decided I REALLY need to take better care of myself. I have a quick and easy healthy Lunch packed for tomorrow. No more fluorescent orange peanut butter and cheese crackers. I am going to take at LEAST 2 15 minute breaks every day. I'm going to watch the clock and leave as soon as I can. If I can start getting out on time it will help me get to the gym more consistently AND still see the hubby for a couple minutes before bed.
They announced today that my company is trying to sell itself. I hope that they do and that they don't. I'm sure if they did come up with a deal we would still have a few months before they started making cuts. Hopefully if the company does implode I'll get a good severance.
My counselor suggested I try applying for other jobs. I looked a little but didn't see anything that intrigued me. I'll keep looking off and on for both me and clay. If we could get him in a good job WITH insurance it would take the pressure off me
I'm headed into another of those awful 5 ten hour day weeks tomorrow. Yuck! One day , one hour, one minute at a time.
They announced today that my company is trying to sell itself. I hope that they do and that they don't. I'm sure if they did come up with a deal we would still have a few months before they started making cuts. Hopefully if the company does implode I'll get a good severance.
My counselor suggested I try applying for other jobs. I looked a little but didn't see anything that intrigued me. I'll keep looking off and on for both me and clay. If we could get him in a good job WITH insurance it would take the pressure off me
I'm headed into another of those awful 5 ten hour day weeks tomorrow. Yuck! One day , one hour, one minute at a time.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Not Any Worse
In the last week things haven't gotten any worse, but they haven't gotten any better. I still am pretty gloomy. I didn't miss any work last week, which was good, although I spent most of the week fighting anger and more then once almost said somethings to my boss that would have gotten me fired in a heartbeat. I feel bad that Clay has to deal with me being grumpy and gloomy. I want to go out and just have fun with him but I haven't been able to the last few weeks. I try, it just doesn't happen. I think he feels pretty helpless. I do too.
I just checked my Facebook profile and I noticed that my announcement of Kyler's birth didn't show on my main page that bothered me, so I went through and found it. While I was looking I read through all my posts from last year. Sometimes I wish I could talk to that girl, warn her about the out of control run away train bearing down on her. If she only knew... but then again, if she knew it wouldn't have made things better. She would have spent 8 months worrying about the impending torture. Anyway, I did find the post I made when I came back to Facebook after the week I spent deactivated. I was able to read through all the comments, which I think is what I really wanted, and I was able to make it show up on my main timeline.
I am still having a hard time coming to terms with just how horrible of friends some of my "friends" ended up being in the end. I swear, sometimes I think that they think if they ignore me I'll just disappear. Yeah, I know, being my friend right now is difficult, awkward, and sad sometimes, but imagine what is is like to live our lives. I am SOOO thankful for the two really good friends who have put in the effort and dealt with the awkwardness. I don't know where I would be with out them.
I wish we had something to look forward to right now but we don't really. I don't have any vacation scheduled off, there is no point. We don't know how long Clay is going to be at the job he is at. All the plans we've made recently have fell through or turned out badly. We wanted to have the best summer ever, but summer is quickly passing by us. We only get 2 days off together every two weeks, if that. Maybe in September we'll be able to go do something. We'll see.
We spent this weekend out looking at cars for Clay. The car he has now is actually worth more now then we paid for it new! It was never what he wanted, but it was what we needed. Now the warranty is about to expire and it is almost paid off. I have this bad feeling that if we don't get rid of it now the value will plummet, it will start having mechanical problems or both, so I want to get rid of it. If we play our cards right we hopefully can get a little bit older, more reliable, nicer car and come out even. We found a few we want to take a second look at. We might be out signing paperwork tomorrow night.
Work is work. It doesn't look like I am going back to my old job anytime soon. At least not until the new project stabilizes. I guess it is okay, I am not sure I want the old job either. It is seeming like we were set up to fail with this new project. I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and I don't think I really want to. I just need to stay away from that boss that makes me sooooooooo angry. I've let myself get too overwhelmed, overworked, burnt out and invested with this project. I've been working straight 10 hour days with out breaks or even really any time to even say hi to my co-workers. I feel guilty if I step away from my desk long enough to use the restroom. Even with as hard as I've been working I get messages from the one boss asking me to do more.. argh. I don't need to do more. I can't do more. In fact I need to do less. I need to slow down. I'm going to start trying really hard to at least take my breaks and get in and out of there on time.
Complain, complain, complain. I know. It's just how things are going right now. I am still appreciating the little things, they are just being overshadowed by the not so great things. Here's a few of the beautiful pictures I've taken in the past few weeks to lighten things up a bit.
I just checked my Facebook profile and I noticed that my announcement of Kyler's birth didn't show on my main page that bothered me, so I went through and found it. While I was looking I read through all my posts from last year. Sometimes I wish I could talk to that girl, warn her about the out of control run away train bearing down on her. If she only knew... but then again, if she knew it wouldn't have made things better. She would have spent 8 months worrying about the impending torture. Anyway, I did find the post I made when I came back to Facebook after the week I spent deactivated. I was able to read through all the comments, which I think is what I really wanted, and I was able to make it show up on my main timeline.
I am still having a hard time coming to terms with just how horrible of friends some of my "friends" ended up being in the end. I swear, sometimes I think that they think if they ignore me I'll just disappear. Yeah, I know, being my friend right now is difficult, awkward, and sad sometimes, but imagine what is is like to live our lives. I am SOOO thankful for the two really good friends who have put in the effort and dealt with the awkwardness. I don't know where I would be with out them.
I wish we had something to look forward to right now but we don't really. I don't have any vacation scheduled off, there is no point. We don't know how long Clay is going to be at the job he is at. All the plans we've made recently have fell through or turned out badly. We wanted to have the best summer ever, but summer is quickly passing by us. We only get 2 days off together every two weeks, if that. Maybe in September we'll be able to go do something. We'll see.
We spent this weekend out looking at cars for Clay. The car he has now is actually worth more now then we paid for it new! It was never what he wanted, but it was what we needed. Now the warranty is about to expire and it is almost paid off. I have this bad feeling that if we don't get rid of it now the value will plummet, it will start having mechanical problems or both, so I want to get rid of it. If we play our cards right we hopefully can get a little bit older, more reliable, nicer car and come out even. We found a few we want to take a second look at. We might be out signing paperwork tomorrow night.
Work is work. It doesn't look like I am going back to my old job anytime soon. At least not until the new project stabilizes. I guess it is okay, I am not sure I want the old job either. It is seeming like we were set up to fail with this new project. I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and I don't think I really want to. I just need to stay away from that boss that makes me sooooooooo angry. I've let myself get too overwhelmed, overworked, burnt out and invested with this project. I've been working straight 10 hour days with out breaks or even really any time to even say hi to my co-workers. I feel guilty if I step away from my desk long enough to use the restroom. Even with as hard as I've been working I get messages from the one boss asking me to do more.. argh. I don't need to do more. I can't do more. In fact I need to do less. I need to slow down. I'm going to start trying really hard to at least take my breaks and get in and out of there on time.
Complain, complain, complain. I know. It's just how things are going right now. I am still appreciating the little things, they are just being overshadowed by the not so great things. Here's a few of the beautiful pictures I've taken in the past few weeks to lighten things up a bit.
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