Everything isn't great

We're doing a lot better, but it isn't always great. We went to lagoon this weekend. It was fun, but it was way harder then I expected. I just had a really hard time getting into it. I didn't feel great so I didn't really want to ride many rides. Of course it was full of kids and those stupid pregnant women. Usually kids don't bother me that much, but this weekend they did. I kept wondering what it would have been like to take Kyler to the amusement park, especially as he got older. And then there is those pregnant women!! What the hell were they all doing in an amusement park anyway! I guess I really just wasn't ready to do something like lagoon, especially on a weekend.  We did have some fun and got some good pictures.

After we got home last night all the feelings I was trying to keep under control all weekend came out, I just wanted Kyler here to hold.  Of course I always want him here but last night it was extra rough. I wanted to hold him, touch him, play with his little feet.  I had a pretty had time going to bed and couldn't fall asleep until I had gathered up Kyler's blanket, our project bear, and Ranon into bed with Clay and I.  I got up this morning and tried to go to work.  I made it into work and got logged into my pc and then lost it.  It's been 3 months since I've had a really hard day at work, but today I just couldn't do it.  I clocked in at 8:00 and back out at 8:20.  I stopped and saw Kyler on the way home.  There was a squirrel in the tree above his grave watching me, and the baby ducks and the swans came over to say hi.

It was beautiful there as always.  That helped a little.  I came home, laid on the couch with Ranon for an hour, and then I went outside and slept in the sun for two hours.  I feel bad, I know they needed me at work today, but I really needed to not be there.  


Father's Day was rough for me, I'm sure it was harder for Clay though. I worked a very hard 10 hour day on Saturday that made me pretty grumpy by the time I got home. Then I only got to spend a couple hours with Clay before I had to go to bed just to get up early and do it all again. I felt really bad leaving Clay alone on Fathers Day, especially for over 10 hours. I wish we could have made a special day of it like we did for mothers day. I did get to give him his Fathers Day present. Here it is. 

I had a picture of Clay and Kyler printed and put in it. I also felt bad that only a couple people acknowledged Clay on Father's Day. He is a Father! A couple cards, a call, or even a message would have been nice for him. We also visited the cemetery on Fathers Day after I got home. It was actually kind of fun because the sprinklers were on and we kept having to duck behind trees together so we wouldn't get wet.   

It's not all bad, we have had some good times lately.  We had last Wednesday off together and were able to go to the zoo.  The butterfly exhibit was beautiful.  I got to feed the giraffes, which I've wanted to do for a long time.  We walked through the rose garden and then went on a walk in the foot hills.