I'm having a hard time shaking this gloomy mood I'm in. I just feel like curling up on the couch and watching movies with the pup for days on end, or maybe just laying in the sun snoozing. I have no energy or motivation. In a way it kind of feels right. It has been nearly 8 months since we lost Kyler and all of a sudden I feel the loss more in the last few days then I have in the last few months. I don't know why.
We are quickly approaching a year from when I got put on bedrest. July 15th it will be a year. That is going to be a hard few days for me. Last July 15-17th were the worst days that I had had in my life up until that point. It was the first time I realized that we might not actually have Kyler.
I think I am just a bit burnt out on pretending that everything is peachy. It is better but definatley not peachy. 8 months is a very long time in the real world, but in the world of loss and trama it is very short. Trama, yes I said it.. I am experiencing PTSD A lot of those people who haven't lived in our shoes think that we should be "better" by now. That's not the way it works. We miss him every day, and would love to just curl up and cry about it but we have to keep on living in the real world and be functioning adults. Sometimes people don't want to talk about Kyler, it makes them uncomfortable and they are afraid they are "reminding us". For those of you who have children, has anyone ever had to remind you that you had them? I'd venture to say no. It is the same with Kyler, we never forget about him so you can't "remind" us about him. He is always with us. Don't be afraid to talk about him.
I ended up having 5 days in a row off since I cut out of work after 20 minutes on Monday. I have to go back tomorrow. I hope it is at least a little bit better. I have to work five 10 hour shifts a a row now. I hope I can make it through them all. I don't want to flake out on them (or burn more of my PTO) but I also need to take care of myself. I've been thinking a data entry, number crunching, paper pushing, behind the scenes type job would be better for me right now, but that is not much of an option for me. I need to try and ride it out where I am at. The money I make now will help pay off all those doctor's bills, and the insurance will keep us from getting too many more, hopefully. With all the counseling and everything I have been going to I already hit the deductible for our health insurance for the year, who knows what the rest of the year will bring. It is very unlikely that I could get another job that pays as well and gives benefits like mine does.
The last 3 days off have been good for me though. I spent Monday curled up both on the couch and outside in the sun with my dog. Yesterday I got up and motivated and went to the gym, did yard work, did housework and just felt accomplished. Today I got the dog to the groomers, went to the store, washed my car, laid in the sun and worked on my cross stich. I was sad and gloomy most of the time but not to the point of crying. Tonight we went out bowling with a couple of our friends. That was a lot of fun. I would almost say it was more fun then anything we did at Lagoon. I can't believe an innocent little trip to Lagoon set me back this far again, but maybe that means I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and that I still need to take things slowly.
One of my friends who has been awesome had a baby just a few months before I did. She has done well getting a baby sitter for her baby whenever we hang out, but I am beginning to think that maybe is time I meet her. I want to but I also don't want to have it heartbreak me like going to lagoon did. I think I will wait on it for a little longer
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