Doing good in all areas... except one.

Every day that I make it out of bed, get showered and ready, and make the trek into work is a win. Every morning I sit here on the couch with the puppy and think about how much I want to climb back into my warm cozy bed with him and hide. On Wednesdays I get to do just that, stay cozy warm in bed with the dog as long as I want. It's safe, it's warm, it's comfy, there are no worries, or expectations of me. I think not wanting to leave the safeness of my bed is a big problem with me working. I dream of quitting and making every day like my Wednesdays are now, but I know that is not the answer.  I have been doing pretty good being a functioning adult in almost every area of my life lately, except work.  I'm not sure what I need to do.  I've got a great job but I've not been doing a good job at it lately.  I had another meltdown at work today and spent the day crying at my desk.  I am not sure what triggered it but by the time I pulled into the parking lot I was on the brink of a panic attack and I had no control over it.  I probably should have just called in, but I went in anyway.  It was a busy day at work today and they needed me to take calls but I couldn't.  I worked on a lot of other things, but not what they needed me to do.  The stress and guilt of watching the calls stack up in the queue knowing I would start balling if I tried to take a call finally go to me and I went ahead and left a few hours early.  I talked to my boss before I left and he said basically that they need me either on the phones or they need me to go back to the position I was in before I left.  I really don't know what to do, especially when I have days like today.  Most days I just feel hesitant to take calls but if I actually take them they aren't that bad.  Maybe I should just try harder to take calls on the days I'm feeling iffy and just call in on days like today.  I don't really think I want to go back to the position I was in before.  I can get a doctor's note for any days I call in or leave early if I need to but usually I'd rather be there doing something.  I am supposed to do training again the week after next.  I do a good job with that and I think I will be able to do that with out any melt downs... hopefully, but I know the bosses are doubting I will be able to keep it together.  I am a little worried that they will stop letting me do training if I continue being crazy.  I wish Clay and I were in a position where I could take some more time off and maybe do some volunteer type things instead of working, but we need me to keep working so we can keep up on the bills and keep my benefits.  Maybe sometime in the future I'll be able to do something different.

I think I decided to go ahead and put a picture of Kyler up at my desk.  I put the picture I carry of him in my wallet up on my desk every day this week and it felt good.  I decided he deserves a place on my desk.  He is a big part of who I am now.  It's a good picture.  Hopefully it isn't too "creepy" for other people, I wasn't very understanding about things like that in the past myself, but I decided I don't care.  I haven't decided between the wallet size pic or the 4x6 yet, but I think I am going to go try and find a frame for it this weekend.

Sometimes I wonder what color eyes Kyler had.  It bugs me that I never got to see my son's eyes. It was a big debate the whole time I was pregnant, whether they would be blue like mine or green/hazel like Clay's or maybe something in between.  I guess we'll just have to wait quite a bit longer to find out.

My counselor graduated me from sessions every week to every other week. I guess that is good.  Like I said, I am doing pretty good outside of work.  We are doing more and having more fun then we ever have.  We still have our bad days but we have had a lot of good times in the last few months.  We of course wish we were staying home with Kyler, but we figure since we have a chance to do everything we want with out the logistics of kids, we'll do it.  The counselor basically said if I would be okay skipping a week she would rather me be out having fun then coming in to see her.  I think this week I am going to go on a walk with one of my friends since I have the week off of counseling.

This weekend I think we are going to paint our bedroom, do some yard work if the sun comes out, maybe track down a bike rack so we can go on bike rides out side of our neighborhood, work on some blankets, and maybe go on a bike ride with one of my friends if we get the rack.  It should be a pretty good weekend.  

It's awful he died, not that he lived.

We went to our support group meeting on Monday night. The last one was cancelled so it's been two months since we've gone.  I was kind of wondering how I'd feel about it since I've been going to counseling every week.  I think they are both very helpful.  In counseling I get to talk a lot about what has been going on in my life, but she doesn't have a lot of experience with infant loss.  In group we talk a lot about what we have been feeling and find that it is normal and similar to other people's experiences.

There was a new girl in group this week.  She lost her baby Feb 6th.  I wish she didn't have to be there, but it is nice to meet someone new.  She said something awesome I totally agree with. She basically said it is not terrible that my son existed. It is terrible that he died, but wonderful that he lived if even for a short time. She asked to see our pictures of Kyler. She is one of the only people who have asked to see him. It felt good to share him. She shared the pictures of her baby too. I've been thinking of putting one of Kyler's pictures up at my desk at work. I love looking at his pictures and want to share him but I'm sure some people would have a problem with it. I understand not everyone is comfortable with pictures if dead babies. I wasn't comfortable with them until I had my own.  The new girl said she put up a picture of her sons feet at her desk work.   Maybe I should do that.  I should go through my pictures again and see what I have.

We finally got the last of the hospital bills. I look at the charges and then what I actually have to pay and I am so thankful to have good insurance.  I'd rather not have to pay anything for this whole awful experience, but I can't imagine what we would have done if we didn't have good insurance.  I don't believe that good health care should be a financial burden or unobtainable to anyone.  I hate that about the United States.  At least now I don't have to worry about any more bills showing up and wondering how much they will be, I just have to work on paying off the credit card I put them all on.

My counselor was out this week so I didn't have to go today.  I've been pretty sore for a while and I've been thinking about getting a massage.  Last week I found groupon type deal for one and I went and did that today instead of going to counseling.  I've never had a massage before.  It was weird, but I think I really needed it.  When I got it, I bought two.  Now I have to decide if I want to do the second one or give it to my husband.  I should give it to him, he needs a massage too.

I've made it okay through the last few days of work.  I think I may get to do training again next month.  I'm hoping so.  Training is usually 3 of 4 weeks out of the month.  It makes the time go by so quick, if I get to do it, it will be May before I know it.  I can't wait until late spring/summer

A little better

Last week was better. I'm still having problems with work, but I made it to work every day this week and actually did my real job, answering phone calls, most of the week.  My counselor suggested maybe my problems with work were there before all this happened.  I'm not sure.  I don't wake up excited to go to work, but I've never hated it before.  It's a really good job.  Hopefully I can make it through this.  Right now we need me to be working there.  I think the next month or so will go better.  I think I am going to be doing some more training which I am good at, I like to do, and time flys when I am doing it.  It will be May before I know it.

My husband and my anniversary is coming up.  It will be our 5th anniversary!  We decided this year we would do something for it.  Usually I take the week off and then we end up with no money and just stay around town, but not this year!  We reserved a cottage on the northern Washington coast for two nights.  Last night we were talking about what else we were going to do, because again I took the whole week off.  We decided we are just going to plan to be spontaneous.  We are going to take our camping stuff and a couple backpacks and just do what ever we feel like.  We might go into Canada, we might go camping on one of the islands, we might drive back down the coast.  If we go into Canada we might take the car, or we might just "backpack".  Who knows.  :D  We are both excited to go with out a master plan.

Tonight we are going to a Monster truck show with some of our friends.  I've never been to one but I am excited.  I think it is going to be a lot of fun!

Time Change

The time changes tomorrow.  No big deal right, it changes twice a year.  I usually love the spring time change.  I would much rather have the hour of daylight at the end of the day.  This year it is kind of bittersweet.  The day before the time change this winter was November 5th.  I spent the day nesting.  We ran around getting the last few things we needed for Kyler and finishing the last few things in his room.  We stacked the diapers, put the sheets in his cradle, sorted through is clothes one last time.  We were ready.  We went out to dinner and then came home and watched the BSU game.  It was then that I started realizing he wasn't kicking any more.  We went and bought a couple bottles of orange juice and I tried to do some kick counts as I watched the game but I kept falling asleep.  I convinced myself nothing could be wrong if I kept falling asleep.  We went to bed and I slept hard all night.  The next day we got up and instead of changing clocks, we went to the hospital and found out that Kyler had died.  I'm not sure how I feel about the time change this time.  I am excited to have the extra hour of daylight but it feel like we are moving farther from him.  I can't believe it has been four months.

I had a good day today.  Clay had to work some overtime, so I slept in with the dog, went to the gym, went to my nieces soccer game and out to lunch with my brothers family and then I went and hiked up table rock with one of my friends.  I think tomorrow Clay and I will sleep in and just spend the day hanging out together.

Blood Donation

Another good day today, but my days off usually are.  I slept in with the puppy, went to the gym and then went and donated blood.  I've donated blood off and on for years.  I was going regularly until a little over a year ago.  

The last time I went, I learned a hard lesson.  I have to listen to my body and sometimes I need help. In November 2010 I went down to the donor center and donated.  I came home and went about my day. I didn't take care of myself and didn't drink enough water.  The next day I hopped up out of bed when my alarm went off and got in the shower.  I started feeling bad as soon as I was in the shower but I thought I could just push through, I needed to get to work.  I remember getting out of the shower and then I remember Clay standing over me talking to 911.  I started to tell him no I was fine and then I heard him tell the operator that I had a huge gash in my head.  I gave up and realized I needed help and laid back down and waited for the paramedics.  I was fine in the end.  I had just fainted, probably from not drinking enough after donating blood.  The cut on my head looked bad but was pretty superficial, no permanent damage done besides a scar.  If I had just sat down when I started feeling icky I would have been fine, but I didn't listen to myself.  Now, I have a nice scar in the middle of my head to remind me sometimes being strong isn't the best.  It was also a little humbling to have to walk around with steri-strips on my forehead for a week.

   

So this time I made sure to drink extra water yesterday and today, and I will tomorrow.  I will take care to sit down if I start feeling icky.  Some people wouldn't go donate again after a bad experience, but I really wanted to.  It doesn't take much from me (unless I am being stupid like last time), and I am not afraid of needles.  I know it isn't something everyone can do, and I understand that, but if you can please go donate.      I've always thought of blood being needed for accident victims but today I was thinking a lot about all the women and babies who need blood during pregnancy and after delivery.  You never know who's live you could be saving.  Plus you get free cookies and juice.

Crazy

Ugh. I'm crazy.. With good reason.  I feel like I've hit a wall.  I was doing so good since I went back to work at being a functioning adult but the last week or so has been pretty bad.   Today I started the day feeling very anxious and twitchy, on the verge of a panic attack.  I went to work and took a few phone calls but it was getting harder and harder to answer them.  I took one of my sedatives but it didn't help much.  I decided I'd call my doctor's office and see if I could get in to talk to him.  I figured if I made an appointment I'd at least be able to make it through a bit more of the day today.  The receptionist wasn't very helpful, basically telling me if I wanted to not miss work I'd have to wait over a week.  Talking to her started me crying.  Once I start I have a really hard time stopping.  I went ahead and left work for the day.

I was able to make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow.  I'm planning on going to work tomorrow and being there all day (with the exception of the doctor appointment).  I didn't want to miss more work to go but I decided it is more important for me to get in to see the doctor then to keep a few hours of PTO.  I want to see if he thinks maybe a medication change again will help me.  I know there is no magic pill that is going to make everything better, but I've been battling anxiety the last few years and everything I've been through the last year has brought it back with a vengeance.  The medicine I am on was taking the edge off but I feel like it has stopped working over the last week or so.

I'll probably also talk to my boss and see if we can have some sort of backup plan for me so I have something I can work on if I don't feel up to taking calls.  Some days I don't feel up to taking calls but I'd be fine working on things alone at my desk where I don't have to talk to anyone.  I'd much rather be at work doing something then be sitting at home feeling guilty for not being at work.  I know it will get easier with time, but right now it feels like I'll never be able to do my real job all day every day again.  I am very very thankful that they have been so understanding.

Tomorrow is a pretty big day, it will be exactly 4 months since Kyler was born and exactly 12 months since we found out I was pregnant.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  When we found out, I couldn't believe it.  It was a Sunday morning.  I woke up early and sneaked in and took a test while Clay was still sleeping.  I was shocked when it came back positive.  I woke Clay up out of a dead sleep, tossed it to him and said "I don't think it's right, but here you go".  Kind of a funny story.  I realized a few days ago that Kyler was born exactly 8 months from when we found out.  I can't believe it has been 4 months since he was born.  It seems like just yesterday and forever ago as well.  I'm not sure if tomorrow has anything to do with my recent craziness.  Whether it does or not, I think I have pretty good reason to be at least a little crazy.

A Better Day

Today was a lot better. I felt pretty good when I got to work. I had an email waiting for me that gave me a project I could work on off the phones today, but I decided it would be better if I tackled my real job head on. I took a phone call and it was fine. I was able to do my job today. We were busy off and on today so I switched between the project and phone calls and both were fine. Most of all there was no crying today!

We don't have too many plans for this weekend. It is suppose to be absolutely beautiful. 60 degrees and sunny! I think I'll spend as many daylight hours as I can out in the sun.  I am absolutely freezing about 90% of the time now and the only thing I've found that really warms me is being in the sun.  Maybe we'll do another hike to table rock. We are going snow tubing with a couple of my friends Sunday morning.  I'm not sure I want to go up in the snow when it is supposed to be so nice down here, but it will be lots of fun and is only for a few hours.  We can come spend the rest of the day in the warm sun.

The national chapter of the support group I go to has a newsletter they send out every couple of months and the latest one had an article about how to make sure to take care of yourself when you are grieving your baby.  I've actually been doing some of the things it suggested.  Some of them are

Find a creative outlet - It said journaling but I think my blog counts

Pay attention to your physical needs - I actually took care of myself when I had a cold last week

Try to do some sort of physical activity - I think 6+ days a week at the gym counts

Continue to do things you enjoyed before, even if you have to scale back on them - We've been trying hard to do this, we've gone to jackpot, the hot springs, snow tubing, to hockey games, to basketball games.  I think we've been busier now then we were before.  Everything isn't as fun and carefree as it was before, but we still have good time.  Although we would give anything to be stuck home with Kyler we figure we have a second chance at doing what we want when we want with out the logistics of having a baby.

Consider finding a way to give back - My blanket project is a start

Take a few minutes to unwind every day - I should work harder at this

If you are having an especially bad day give yourself permission to cry, scream ect - I should probably do better with this.  It would probably help me avoid huge meltdowns like yesterday.

Get plenty of sleep - Even though it would probably be better to have more of a set schedule, I make a point not to set an alarm on my days off and sleep in as long as I feel like it.

Stick to your daily routine - We do pretty good with getting up and going to work every day.

There were more listed that we are doing well at, or could be doing better at but those are the main ones.  I think we are doing pretty well.

Horrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was seriously the worst day I've had at work yet. I am not sure why it was so bad, it totally blindsided me. I felt fine when I got out of the car. I felt okay stopping to fill up my water bottle. By the time I got to my desk I wanted to cry. By the time I got logged into all my programs I was crying. I spent the first 5 minutes of my shift in the restroom trying to calm down. I went back to my desk and sent my boss an IM letting him know I was having a rough day and he told me I could just work tickets I didn't have to call people on for the day. I thought would make me feel better... Nope. I spent most of the first hour crying at my desk. I couldn't calm down.   I had to take a sedative even though I didn't want to (I've been trying to take less)  I should have left, but I didn't. My sedative kicked in and I was doing pretty good, I even took a few tickets that I had to call and talk to people on.  Then we got busy and I got an IM from another of our bosses asking if I could take a phone call.  When you get an IM asking you to take a phone call from one of the Bob's (bosses) it pretty much means "Hey, you are not doing your job.. could you?"  I didn't want to tell her no, I told her I'd try but I was having a rough day.  Then I couldn't do it, I started bawling.. again.  I felt like crap.  I just want to be able to do my job.  I don't want special treatment.  I just want to be normal.  I should have left then too, but I didn't.  Pretty much the same thing happened a couple more times later in the day.  I really should have left.  My doctor told me he'd write me doctor's notes whenever I needed and I have plenty of PTO.  I don't know why I didn't leave.  I stuck it out the whole day and then bawled again for a half hour when I got home.

There was one bright spot to my day.  On one of my trips back from the bathroom I was trying to hide so not many people would see that I had been crying and I ran into one of my co-workers.  I've worked with her pretty much since I started but we never talk much, we mostly just say hi or whatever.  Today she said something more to me, I don't remember what.  I know I just got this deer in the headlights look, mumbled something and pretty much ran away.  Well when I got back to my desk I sent her an IM telling her I was sorry, that I was just having a rough day.  When she got the IM she came straight over to my desk, gave me a big hug, told me she was sorry and just left it at that and went back to her desk.  That was really nice.

My counselor asked me yesterday who I want to punch.  I thought it was a kind of funny question at first but then I came up with a list of people I am angry/disappointed with that I wouldn't mind punching.  She gave me this list of sentence beginnings she wants me to complete and use to write a letter to each of them.  Mostly just to make me feel better, not to actually give to them.  When she first gave it to me I thought there was no way I was actually going to do it, but now I am thinking maybe I will.  Here's a few to start

I hate it when...
          - you minimize my accomplishments, such as my weight loss, by saying they aren't permanent or good enough
          - don't realize what you have and take it for granted.
          - I'm trying to just have a conversation with you and you say things to try and knock me down and make yourself feel superior to me.

I feel hurt and disappointed when...
          - you know I am having a bad day and you blow it off like it is nothing.
          - you act like Kyler didn't exist and I should be fine
          - you don't put any effort into our friendship

There is a bunch more but those were just a few I felt like putting out there right now.  

I wonder how tomorrow is going to go.  I hope I can just go in and do my job, be normal and not cry.  My husband made me promise if tomorrow is anywhere close to as bad as today that I would come home.  We'll see what happens.