Weak

Babies die, kids die.  It has only been recently that the majority of children live.  If you walk through any old cemetery, look at any family history sheet you will more then likely find a child or two who died.  In the 30's 1 in 4 kids born alive died as children.  Clay's grandma lost a baby, my great grandma lost two, and her husband to boot. 

How did all of these people deal with it?  Was it expected so it was okay?  Did they refuse to bond with their children until they were less vulnerable?  I think about all the support I have, the support group, counseling, a husband who listens, friends who get it or at least try really hard to get it, medicine.  I got to see my baby, hold him, make memories, take pictures.  I wasn't told to go home and forget about it and just have another baby.  Even with all of this, I feel like I am just barely making it.  Am I just a weaker person?  The ubiquitous "they" say it is normal to still miss Kyler so much that it hurts my heart.  We went to the evening of memories that the local hospital does last month.  One of the speakers was a chaplin for the hospital who lost his son or daughter 30 years ago.  He said it still hurt.  They still had the wagon and snoopy fishing pole that they had already bought in their original packages in the attic.  It still hurt 30 years later. 

I'd never expected that it wouldn't still hurt 2 years later, but I didn't think it would still hurt this much. Will it still hurt this much 30 years later?  Will I still lie awake at night and cry. I hope not, but at the same time I hope so. Some times I feel like the pain is my tie to him.  I guess I'm better at hiding the hurt now the. I was at first. 

Things haven't been going great in lots of areas. Little love Kalen hasn't been sleeping very well. I am not by any means complaining. I'll take a baby who is up every hour of the day over one who never wakes up in a heart beat, but lack of sleep really really damages my mood, and my mind. Clay had to go out of town for two weeks and when he came back I told him i needed more help. I was forgetting to do the simplest things at work, like clocking in and out.  Quite an awesome example for the team.  He started helping more ant night but I found a catch 22. Less exhaustion for me meant that the nightmares came back. The only way that Kalen and I both sleep well is when we sleep together, but that isn't very safe and isn't a good option. 

Things just keep piling on us. Clay has only worked 2 weeks in the last month and a half. He was set up to draw seasonal unemployment but the 2 weeks back reset that so he has to re-apply again. Another catch 22. Even though clay hasn't been working we have been paying for the new daycare because we love it so much and clay can get called into work any day.  

We still have a good life. And we are beyond blessed to have Kalen, but can we just have a year or so of smooth sailing?  Judging by some of the mail we've got in the first week of January and the number of dr visits and pending dr visits this first week, the answer is not right now

Holiday Avoidance

Ugh, I hate winter holidays, Thanksgiving especially.  It was never on the top of my list of favorite holidays and after Kyler it immediately free fell to the bottom, right above Mother's Day. Thanksgiving 2011 was supposed to be great. We were supposed to have a happy healthy 2 week old. There was a plan for Clay's brother and his family to come down and for us all to have Thanksgiving at his sisters house. It was going to be the first time most of Clay's family would meet Kyler. We were looking forward to it. Then Kyler died. Clay's brother and his family came for the funeral. Since they came for the funeral they weren't able to come for thanksgiving. I don't know what possessed us but we decided to go to his sisters for thanksgiving anyway. It was awful. I would say it was probably the dumbest thing we did after we lost Kyler. I was still in physical pain, I was emotionally broken and had a short temper. I dressed up in the only nice clothes I had, the same ones I wore to Kyler's funeral and tried to put on a happy face.  I don't remember a lot about the day, I was still on pain pills from my csection and anxiety medication and I tried to use those to dull the emotions. It didn't work. I still felt and remember the emotions, I just don't remember the details. I am pretty sure I spent the evening outside playing with the dogs to keep from screaming at people. 

I honestly don't remember what we did last year. Apparently it wasn't too traumatic, but it wasn't exciting and worthwe either. This year we had multiple people asking (pressuring) us to come over for dinner. We really didn't want to and we ended up delaying the decision until it was made for us. 

Last Thursday my grandfather passed away. In order to get some of my family members in town the funeral wasn't until yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving.  We knew that after a day full of funeral activities Kalen would not be up for a 3.5 hour drive home. So we stayed the night and set out today, Thanksgiving, for the trek home.  We stopped and saw a few family members on the way home, most importantly Clay's grandma, who is now Kalens only great grandparent, who is stuck alone in the hospital recovering from hip surgery. I think it brightened her day a little to get a few visitors. 

We are almost home. I think we might stop and get some resturant takeout on our way through town. Another holiday avoided. I know as Kalen gets older, holiday avoidance will not be an option. I think next year we will switch from avoidance to service. My counselor suggested we serve meals instead of participating in activities and I think that's a great idea. 

As far as everything else, I'm surviving. With the shorter days, holidays, Kyler's birthday, ect, I would say I'm having more bad days then good. I had the meltdown that I predicted I would at work the Tuesday before last. The night before that I went to a support group meeting, mostly to support a former coworker, but also because I thought it would be helpful. I was wrong. My former co worker didn't come, but a couple who just recently lost their 4 month old to SIDS while he was in daycare came. I spent the entire next day (Tuesday) bawling at my desk at work, convinced that Kalen would die at daycare. I knew it was irrational, but then when I watched that tv episode about stillbirth the day Kyler died I, also, "knew" I was being irrational. The only difference between this at work meltdown and the one I felt coming was that I was not able to leave work.  When I was on leave with Kyler, I expected to not accrue PTO while I was out and much to my surprise I accrued the full amount.  Since I accrued the full amount last time, I expected to this time. Nope, I was wrong. I was 30 hours short which means if I miss anymore time before the end of the year, I'm supposed to get written up.  *sigh*

Anyway, that's enough sharing of my grumpiness for right now. Since it is Thanksgiving, here are a couple of things I'm greatful for. 

My Husband who loves me even when I'm crazy and takes care of Kalen when I can't. 

Kalen. 

Ranon who loves me unconditionally. 

Kyler, who helped me realize what is important. 

My good job, even though sometimes I think it's more trouble then it's worth.  It keeps us comfortable. Hopefully, though, Clay's job will take over soon on keeping us comfortable and allow me to make a change. 

New Daycare

Kalen starts his new daycare tomorrow.  It is kind of bittersweet. This is the place I pretty much had picked out for Kyler, but we never officially set it up because I was on besrest.  When I was on bedrest with Kyler I spent hours upon hours researching childcare. I was convinced this place was the best. When Kyler died, I was so glad we hadn't set it up. One less person to tell. 

We had Ranon groomed next door to this place a couple times after Kyler. Everytime I drove by it, it hurt. 

When we were looking for care for Kalen (late because I wanted to make sure he arrived safely). We put this place on the list. I knew I was pretty sure it was the best. After touring it, I knew my gut instinct was right. It was the place, but they had a waiting list, so we went somewhere else. When a spot popped up two weeks ago we had to take it. So tomorrow Kalen starts at what I consider Kyler's daycare. The one I spent all those months daydreaming about Kyler going to. I think dropping Kalen off there tomorrow will be very hard. Much harder then the first day at the other daycare, but for other reasons. Kyler should be there too. He would just be moving from the ones room to the twos. I guess I need to make sure to avoid the twos. All those little twos are missing a classmate. 

October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month... 2nd time around.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.  I still had the poster I made for Kyler last year hanging at my desk.  On the first of october, I decided it was Kyler's month and I swapped Kalen's picture and Kyler's so now Kyler's is front and center.  I haven't gotten any comments about it yet, but I am sure I will.  I think October and November will always be Kyler's months.

November 6th is coming up quick.  Kyler would have been 2 years old.  Clay and I both took most of the week of Kyler's birthday off of work. We ended up making Kalen's 4 month doctor's appointment on Kyler's birthday.  Kalen is going to have to get shots that day so he will be kind of clingy.  Clay and I decided that it was okay because it might be kind of helpful for us to spend the day cuddling Kalen.  We are thinking about going somewhere but we can't decide where.  We want to go to the coast, but we are not sure if Kalen would be up to the drive.  We took the time off work because we don't feel like we want to be there slaving away, it is an important time, but at the same time we don't want to spend the time moping around.  We need to celebrate the fact that Kyler was here even if briefly and we have made it 2 years since his death.  

As the day's get shorter and the weather gets colder, it is getting harder again.  It still hurts. Sometimes, especially at night, the grief sits on my chest like a ton of bricks and I can't breathe.  Sometimes when I am driving to work, I have flash backs.  I see the cold gloomy winter day, the leaves swirling around on the connector just like the day we lost Kyler.  Kalen is healing in most ways. Lots of times when I am really missing Kyler, I just want to snuggle with Kalen.  Sometimes, though it is rough being with him.  I look at him and think that either his two year old brother should be right there next to him or I think that he shouldn't even be here. If Kyler had lived, we wouldn't have had another baby so quickly.  Sometimes I am bitter.  We have changed our plans from having two kids to having two living kids.  I have already been through two rough pregnancies, I should be done, I should have my two living kids, but no.  I'm trying not to think about that too much right now, we have at least a year before we will start thinking about crossing that bridge.  I have been doing better bonding with Kalen then I did at first but that also makes it harder.  It makes me love Kyler even more and miss him even more.  With Kyler I felt that instant mommy bond the second I held him and now I am understanding even more how it could have grown even more, which I didn't think was possible.  As I bond more with Kalen, I have more panic and anxiety that I might lose him too.

The holidays are also coming up quickly.  I think I hate holidays now.  I am excited to see how Kalen likes Christmas lights, but that is about it.  I want to run away again this year and avoid it like we did last year but I don't think we can make that happen.  I hope in a few years my feelings about holidays change a little bit so I can make them fun and exciting for Kalen.

I am sure I'll write again around Kyler's birthday, but in case I get too wrapped up in other things.  How far have we come in 2 years?

• I don't cry often
• I haven't had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying (although I feel like I might get blindsided soon)
• It still hurts every day
• I've met a lot of great people
• I have more compassion
• I have a lot less patience
• I don't sweat the small stuff as much
• I stand up for myself a little more
• I know more about what I want in life and what is important
• I still have days that I feel like it couldn't have happened to us
• I still have times when I feel the gut punch

  

Thoughts from August 21st

** I wrote this August 21'st but never actually published it, so here it is.

Early November of 2011 we were ready to bring home a baby. We had pretty much everything we needed, clothes, diapers, wipes, pacifiers, a diaper bag, breast pump.  Then Kyler died. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of much of his stuff. We donated the formula samples, gave away the carseat because they were expiring and got rid of the crib because it was recalled. Everything else we kept. I was/am attached to pretty much anything. Taking things back to the store was out of the question, it would have destroyed my already severely damaged heart, so would have selling his stuff. Donating would have hurt less, but only slightly. So we kept it.

Pretty much everything sat in his room just waiting. A few other things were scattered around the house, diapers and wipes stayed on my nightstand, bottles stayed in the cupboard, hand sanitizer on the bar in the kitchen. 

When we started trying to get pregnant again, we discussed it and decided we'd use everything of Kyler's that we could for the next baby. Kyler would have wanted to share. Not to mention, financially it made sense and it was nice to have all these things fulfill their purpose. It was the rational decision, but I'm beginning to doubt that decision a little bit now. 

This week I pulled out One of Kyler's blankets. The one that was the first thing I bought for him, after finding out he was a he (online after getting out of the hospital the first time). We started using it with Kalen for tummy time.  Sometimes it hurts to see Kalen on it. It wasn't supposed to be him using it, it was supposed to be Kyler. All the imagining I did when I bought it, received it, washed it, ect was of Kyler.... Not Kalen. It's the same way with clothes. I was going through clothes today and I found a bunch of little jackets.  I remember daydreaming about what Kyler would be like wearing them, dropping g Kyler off at daycare in them.  

I pulled out a onsie for Kalen to wear today. It says "I love Mommy" on it. I don't remember buying thus particular one, but I know it was Kyler's. A lot of times today it made me sad to look at it. Silly as it sounds, Kyler was supposed to be the one professing his love for me through a stupid saying on a onsie and he never got the chance.

I've had a bit if a rough start with Kalen, but I am glad he's here and I love him. I never thought that having him would "fix" us loosing Kyler.  In someways it has made it a little better and in some ways a little worse. I look at Kalen and think, this is what I was supposed to be doing with your brother a year and a half ago, how did we miss this. 

Some days I think about it and it just doesn't seem real.  I carried a baby to full term and had him taken from me. It really did happen to me. 

I go back to work next Wednesday. It is going to be a very hard emotional day for me. Not really because I have to leave Kalen, although that will be a small bit of it, but because it will be the day I missed out on a year and a half ago. Everyone will be asking about Kalen, congratulating me ect. Last time everyone avoided me, pretended Kyler didn't exist and nothing had happened, while I put on a brave face, hid my crushed heart and spirit and I too pretty much pretended nothing had happened. 

Rainbow Kalen is here

We made it, our rainbow is here.  Everything pretty much went as planned.  We went in late morning on Tuesday the 2nd of July and had a baby, a live baby.

Going into the operating room was hard for me, actually all of the operation was hard for me.  At least this time there was a little cry when he came out.  He didn't get his first big breath of air like he should have, and he quickly started turning blue, but luckily they had a whole team of NICU doctor's there.  Clay was pretty worried and I was a little bit, but I just kept thinking, he's alive he has a much better chance then Kyler did, especially since we were at a hospital that has a very good NICU.  Just as they were getting ready to intubate him he started trying to breathe on his own.  They hooked him up to oxygen and whisked him and Clay off to NICU.  Almost as soon as they got him to the NICU he started trying to pull the oxygen off.  They decided to see how he did on room air and he did great.  5 hours later we were all back together again in my room, and he's been doing well ever since.

Disconnect

There is a huge disconnect in my brain with this pregnancy.  Intellectually, I know I am pregnant and that the end result of a pregnancy is (usually) a baby, but emotionally I am having trouble with this cause and effect relationship.  Especially since that is not how it happened last time.

I can't say I feel particularly pregnant right now even though we are less then a week from delivery.  I have always been a bigger person, but had lost a lot of weight prior to getting pregnant with Kyler.  With the two pregnancies and the 6 months of gym time in between them, I am just a couple pounds over what I was in January 2010 which is what I had been at for years.    The weight is distributed differently then it was before, but all the little tricks I learned from being larger are applicable.  Yes, I can still paint my toenails, it's not any different then before.  In other words, I don't feel much different.

The only thing that makes me feel pregnant right now is when Kalen starts wriggling.  He wriggles like Kyler did, but differently.  I thought that Kyler was moving all the time but I was wrong.  Kalen literally moves all the time.  During the day it never goes more then a half hour before I hear from him.  This is comforting.  Kalen moves differently then Kyler did.  A lot of what I felt from Kyler was him playing in my ribs on the left side.  With Kalen he moves everywhere, low high, left right, in out.

Even with all the movement, it doesn't equate to baby with me.  I had all the movement with Kyler and we came home empty handed.  Kalen will be here in less then a week, but I can't imagine getting an actual baby out of this whole process and then getting to bring him home.  For a while it was starting to click for me, that I didn't have to worry about this c-section because it would be so different I wouldn't even pay attention to the discomforts.  Now I am starting to worry about the c-section itself.  It hurt, alot, all I wanted to do was push the little morphine button as soon as I could.  I just wanted to zone out... forever.  What if we don't get the baby this time?  I am not sure I could go through another c-section.

I've been sent into the hospital for monitoring a few times recently.  When they send me in, I just can't get excited about possibly meeting Kalen because I have a hard time believing it will really happen.  Usually I go in praying that they will send me home quickly so I can go curl up with my puppy.  The thought of spending the night away from my puppy gives me anxiety.  I know if we get Kalen here safely, I won't mind a couple days away from the puppy.  If he doesn't get here safely.. I guess I'll just use the morphine button coping technique I used last time.

I don't feel like Kalen is ready to be here.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I kind of hope that she doesn't decide to do the c-section early, but on the other hand, if she doesn't do it tomorrow the weekend is going to be very very hard on me.  Kyler died on Saturday at 38 weeks 7 days and we had him Sunday at 39 weeks 1 day.  My days line up the same with Kalen.  Saturday will be 38 weeks 7 days, Sunday 39 weeks 1 day.  My c-section is scheduled for 39 weeks 3 days.  More then likely from Friday evening until we leave for the hospital Tuesday, I will just be sitting here tracking EVERY movement that Kalen makes.

It feels like I am on a set of train tracks right next to a switch.  One side of the switch will derail the train and take me out with it, the other side will slow down the train down and let me hop on and go somewhere wonderful.  The train is barreling down and the switch has already been set.  Nothing I can do can change the outcome.  I just have to sit and pray and hope for 4 days that the the switch is set to the good outcome.

Clay and I have been thinking and dreaming about having a baby for years.  It took 7 months of trying, 18 months of pregnancy, and and 19 months of crying to get to this point.  If/when we have the baby on Tuesday we are keeping him to ourselves for a few hours.  We want to bond as the family we have been dreaming up.  I want to feed him, count his toes and fingers, hold him, watch Clay hold him and just love him by ourselves for a few hours before we start to share.  After we have gotten some bonding time in we will allow some of our family members in to see him.  I think we might limit non family visits at the hospital though.  Even though he will (hopefully) be happy and healthy, it is going to be a VERY emotional time for us.

My Husband, The Father

My husband became a father over 2 years ago.  From the moment I woke him up by throwing a positive pregnancy test at him.  From the beginning of our relationship I knew he was going to make a great father.  He has proven that he is.

When I was pregnant with Kyler he made an effort to come to every doctor appointment that he could.  When I was too tired and sick in the first trimester to do anything, he let me sleep it off while he took care of everything else.  He was ready to do anything he needed for the baby.

When I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and hospitalized in July of 2011, he was not only there making decisions with me and spending every minute he could with me and Kyler, but he also managed to go to work so he could keep the brand new job that we so desperately needed him to have.  After I was released from the hospital he continued working while taking care of me.  He spent nearly every minute he wasn't at work taking care of the house, the dog and me.

We talked a lot about all the things he wanted to do with Kyler.  He couldn't want to teach him to fish, take him camping, play with him, love him.  While I was on bedrest he went into Babies R Us by him self and picked out a special outfit for Kyler.  "Daddy's Sidekick" it said.  He was so excited to meet Kyler.

He cried just as much as I did when we found out Kyler had died.  He did not leave my side after we found out.  Even though he cannot handle the sight of blood, he was there for ever second of my c-section.

When they brought Kyler into us, Clay held him first.  I didn't think I wanted to hold or even see Kyler.  Clay had no reservations, he wanted to see his baby.  Clay took a lot more pictures with Kyler when the NILMDTS photographer came in, and helped the photographer pose Kyler.  Clay called funeral homes and cemeteries to find a final resting place for our son.  He arranged for the hospital chaplain to conduct the service.  He helped me pick out Kyler's first and final outfit (which ended up being the one Clay had bought for him months earlier) and delivered it to the funeral home.  He carried our son's casket to his grave.

In the months since we lost Kyler, Clay has been strong for me and very supportive.  He lets me just cry when I need to, even though he is just as hurt as I am.  He helps me find things to take to Kyler's grave and helps me do things to honor Kyler.

From the moment we found out I was pregnant with Kalen he has been protecting me and Kalen.  He has spent even more time this pregnancy waiting on me and taking care of everything so Kalen could be born healthy.  Every day we bond more with Kalen and are excited to meet him.

Clay has done more as a father to his two children then some "father's" do for their living children.  Even though grieving father's don't talk about their child a lot, even though they are the "strong" ones who seldom cry, even though they do not have their child here on earth.... They are still fathers, and good ones at that.

Last year for Father's Day very few people acknowledged that Clay was a father, this year even fewer people did.  Those who did acknowledge it this year acknowledged it as him being a "Father to Be."  My experience with Mother's Day was very similar.  It hurts.  Even though Kyler is not here with us, we are still parents to him.  We celebrate in our own way, with each other.  Mother's Day and Father's Day will always be very hard for us.  Next year, hopefully, will be a little different.  We should have Kalen to celebrate with, but we will still be missing one.

I know that everyone is different, but I would say, don't hesitate to acknowledge a bereaved mother or father, ever.  They are still parents.  You are not reminding them of what they have lost, it is always on their mind.  Also, PLEASE, if they are expecting or have another child don't minimize the child they have lost by calling them "parent's to be" or something similar.  We know that there is no malicious intent with comments like that, BUT it still hurts.

I couldn't have picked a better father for my children.

It's Complicated

Everyday I wake up early and think, "I don't have to work today."  After I realize I don't have to work, I think about getting up, but realize I am still tired and I have the luxury of not having to get up.  Then I go back to sleep.  When I wake up a few hours later I am again grateful that I am able to sleep when I need to and cuddle with the dog.  As much as I don't like being stuck in the house by myself all day every day, there are some silver linings.

I have been thinking about Kyler a lot more lately.  It's so complicated.  We packed up a lot of his stuff the other day.  He still has a spot, but his things are more condensed and a lot of his clothes, blankets, diapers ect are rearranged in Kalen's room for him to use.  Last week we had pulled out a lot of his things so I could sort through them.  I hadn't gotten to the sorting yet and they were just sitting here on our coffee table.  All of a sudden I had to see him.  Frantically I dug through everything to find the two CD's of pictures I have of him so I could go through each and every one of his pictures.  I have also been sleeping with his blanket and bear a lot more lately.

I realized the other day that I haven't been thinking and imagining Kalen past the first few months.  When I was pregnant with Kyler we imagined him at all ages, as a toddler wandering around a campsite behind Clay, learning to fish, sitting in the first day of Kindergarten, being a cub scout and then a boy scout, becoming a teenager, graduating, dating.. all of that.  I don't really have those daydreams with Kalen.  I guess it is just a protective thing.  I don't want to have to un-imagine those things.

Last week I also ordered stamps.  Just a little normal everyday thing, right?  Not really.  The last time I ordered stamps was a few weeks before Kyler was born.  I ordered a bunch of "Love" stamps to use on the thank you notes and birth announcements.  There were no birth announcements.  A month or so after Kyler was born, the bills started rolling in.  The happy "Love" stamps I had bought for his announcements ended up being used to send in bills in the aftermath.  The week before last, I asked my husband to mail some bills for me and he told me we were almost out of stamps, Kyler's stamps are almost all gone.  I guess it is appropriate for them to run out now.  Again, I ordered a bunch of "Love" stamps (they are different then Kyler's) for birth announcements.  I really hope that is what they are used for.

I have also been having nightmares, almost every night.  They usually don't have much to do with Kyler or Kalen, they are just random.  Last night they were about one of my nieces, my sister and one of my co-workers who has been having some trouble.  The night before that it was about Clay.  I think it is just a manifestation of the fear I have about Kalen.

We did get Kalen's room done.  It turned out great.

I'm glad we got it done.  There are a few times I've gone in and looked around and been sad that it's different now, but it is great for Kalen.

Mother's Day wasn't too bad.  I probably cried more the day before then the day of.  I slept in and let Clay go to breakfast with his mom.  On his way back, Clay did a huge thing for me.  We had portraits scheduled and I had been crying about not having anything to wear.  As my mother's day present Clay stopped at the maternity store in the mall for me all by him self and picked me out a couple new things to wear.  He is so awesome.  We didn't do to much that day, but we did take some flowers out to Kalen.

I had my photo shoot on Thursday.  It was a maternity photo shoot.  I didn't have many pregnancy pictures taken with Kyler and we have taken even less with Kalen.  A couple of closely spaced pregnancies with activity restrictions on both have made me less excited to have my picture taken.  I decided that I should get get some good pictures taken though.  We should get them back in a few days.  I am excited to see them.  We have her scheduled to come back after Kalen is born to do some newborn ones.  It's one of those things that Kyler changed with us, made us realize that there are some times when you need some good pictures.  

Tomorrow is our group meeting.  I want to go but I can't decide if we should.  I think it would help me with somethings but again.. I don't want to be the pregnant girl at the dead baby club.  We'll see what I decide.

Not working has also been hard.  I know that they really need me.  They have had even more drama since I left.  I also hate being "left out".  It feels like I am being "left behind" especially since I probably won't be able to go back into work for a few more months.  My doctor said I might be able to work from home a little bit in a few weeks.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I want to be able to help out and have something useful to do, but I also think that it would be frustrating not being able to help more.

I've been trying to think of some good way to end this post, some nice words, a closing statement or something to tie it all together, but I can't so I guess this will just come to an abrupt end.  Until next time.

Eff You Mother's Day

I've been hiding from it, ignoring it, wishing it would go away, but it will come morning just like it does every year. The holiday I wish would just disappear. Mothers Day. *Sigh*  Last year wasn't that bad. Clay and I bought and released 5000 butterflies, went hiking out in the middle of no where, grabbed lunch/dinner at a deserted restaurant, then we came home and blew bubbles, and did some chalk art.

I think the big difference this year is last year Kyler would  have only been 6 months old.  I didn't think much about what he and I would have done, because he would have been so little.  This year we would have had fun.  This year he would have loved to play with chalk, blow bubbles, look for bugs and hang out outside.  I want to spend the day playing with him.  I want to get a simple homemade card from him.  Just a piece of construction paper folded in half and scribbled on.  I won't get it though.  I won't be able to do much tomorrow.  Maybe I will be able to sneak outside and blow bubbles... from a chair.  On top of missing him I am pregnant this year.. again. Two years ago I was naively pregnant.  I hadn't had any complications yet.  I was hopeful but I didn't even know that I needed to hope.  After all, the next mother's day I was sure I'd have a baby in my arms.  I liked the "mother to be" presents and cards I received that year. This year it's complicated.  I've gotten a few cards, and I appreciate them, but they just don't seem appropriate.  Yeah. I'm pretty sure my life and the rest of the bereaved mother's lives would be simpler if mothers day was abandoned, if you could just skip over it.

So this year I am saying Eff you Mother's Day.  I am protesting it.  I am boycotting it.  I am sorry if you were expecting to do something with me this year or expecting me to do something for you.  I just can't support the day this year.  I don't think I will leave the house (I am not supposed to anyway.)  I am going to hide under the covers and pretend it just another day. Maybe I'll feel a little differently next year if Kalen gets here safely.  Maybe next year we will reinstate it. Maybe not.

I am sorry to all the Mothers and Fathers who have to navigate these holidays (Mother's Day and Father's Day) with out their children, especially those who's children are in Heaven.

I think at the very least I'll make myself some cinnamon rolls as I send Clay off to do breakfast with his mom.  Then I'll go back to hide under the cover's with the dog, Kalen, Kyler's blanket and his bear.  I won't be participating in the outside world tomorrow, just me Kalen, Kyler, Ranon and Clay.

Be Careful What you Wish For

Reading through my blog from last week, it seems a lot of my concerns from last week have worked themselves out.  I started having contractions on Tuesday night.  They were coming pretty strong and fast, but then about the time I was going to give up and go to the hospital, they went away.  The same thing happened the next night.  Then Thursday I went into work early like I normally do to go to our leadership staff meeting.  While in the leadership staff meeting, my boss was talking about how our team was dropping like flies.  We had one girl with two deaths in the family, one who sliced her hand open and one with some pretty bad back problems.  I made a joke, "Well I won't tell you about the contractions I've been having.  I'll probably be the next one to drop."  It looks like it wasn't that funny of a joke.  About an hour before I was supposed to leave work I started having contractions again.  I had to go to the doctor anyway to get my weekly torture shot so I had them check me out when I got over there.

The doctor did exactly what I thought she would and sent me straight over to the hospital to be monitored.  I didn't like the idea of going into L&D triage (where we found out Kyler was dead), but it wasn't that bad, especially since Kalen was rocking and rolling on my way over there.  My doctor called over and had a nurse that knew at least a little bit about my story waiting for me.  It was still hard.  The nurse made sure that we were in a different room then I was with Kyler.  She had a hard time getting the heart rate monitor on him but that was just because he was being a pill.  Every time she would get the monitor on him he'd move and kick at it just as she strapped it down.  She finally got it on him, where it would only work if I held it down.  :D  The only bad part really was she picked up my heart a few times on the monitor while she was trying to find his, which wasn't really scary since he was moving, but then she asked if I knew and could tell the difference between how my heart sounded and his.  Yeah, I do... better then the nurses who saw me when we went in after Kyler stopped moving. They had tried to tell me that my heart beat was Kyler's.  It wasn't, I knew it wasn't.  Anyway.  I spent a little over an hour in triage being monitored for contractions, holding the monitor down on stinker Kalen to keep his heart rate monitored.

I was indeed having contractions.  They gave me a terbutaline shot to stop the contractions.  I'd read a bit in terbutaline with Kyler and knew it wasn't anything fun.  As the nurse gave it to me she told me "I've never taken meth, but I'd imagine this is what it feels like."  It wasn't fun, but at least the icky feeling didn't last long.  The terbutaline calmed down my contractions and they sent me home with a prescription for nifedipine to keep them under control and instructions for.... bedrest.

It looks like I get my wish to curl up in bed with the puppy for the next couple months.  Be careful what you wish for, right?   The nifedipine has been keeping my contractions under control though, which is good news.  It makes me feel like crap.  Headaches that turn into migraines if I am not careful, sleepiness, general yucky feeling, but at least that motivates me to follow the bedrest instructions.  My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday.  I am hoping if my contractions stay under control she will let me do a few things around the house, but I am pretty sure I am done with work until after Kalen get's here.  Even if I do have to continue on bedrest this time it will only be 5 weeks, instead of the 14 weeks I had with Kyler (they take you off of bedrest at 36 weeks).  Plus we have things worked out where I can be pretty self sufficient while Clay is at work and it is only maybe 1/10th as scary as it was last time.

I am a little worried about getting my disability payments going.  In a perfect world I'd get paid 60% of full time, but I am afraid that since I've been working part time for the last four months (on FMLA) that they will only pay me 60% of the part time.  At least 60% of the part time would cover my insurance premiums.  Worst case is they will say since I have been part time that I don't qualify for disability, but that shouldn't happen, knock on wood.  The FMLA was supposed to keep my benefit status at full time.  I'll tackle that fight on Tuesday after I have more information from my doctor on what she is expecting to happen.

Of course the big plan is for Kalen to hang out until his scheduled debut July 2.  :D

Doing well and struggling at the same time

I passed the glucose test on the second time around.  The doctor said I did not have diabetes, but that I was probably carbohydrate intolerant.  I pretty much knew that already.  I haven't been able to eat pure sugar candy since 7th grade with out getting sick.  When I took the test last time, I figured I would fail it the first time.  This time the only reason I thought I might pass it the first time around was because I passed it last time

My doctor says I am doing well.  She seemed pretty concerned about me continuing to work this week. She didn't say that I couldn't continue to work what I have, but she did say more then twice that she wouldn't hesitate to rewrite my paperwork to cut out some more hours.  I told her I was fine for now.  I think she is more worried about my mental state right now then my physical state.

It is getting harder to be functioning right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball with the dog and Clay and lay in bed for the next 2 months.  Just want to get this baby here healthy.  I am not comfortable being out and about.  I have started to show and I worry about the well meaning happy baby comments.  "Is this your first?"..... "Uhhhh"  "Get your sleep now while you can, that baby is going to keep you up all night every night."  I can only imagine how calming the noise will be.  I can't even express how heavy, dark, and all consuming the silence is/was, especially at night.  I haven't been sleeping "appropriately"  I go to bed late, and have nightmares (mixed in with a few good dreams) until the sun comes up.  Once the sun comes up, I am able to sleep some.

We started working in earnest on Kalen's room the last couple weekends.  It is nearly done.  It was exciting to do it.  Change it from the room of smashed dreams, to one of hope.  It also hurt to mess with Kyler's things.  It feels like we are leaving him behind.  We have a few things of Kyler's that Kalen won't use that we need to decide what to do with .  I think they will end up in a box, I still can't handle getting rid of anything.  I think we've given away a total of 5 of Kyler's things.  The really important things Clay will make a shadow box for.  I think that I am going to make a scrap book for Kyler with his ultrasound pictures, the cards from my shower, and the sympathy cards we received.

We went and had our car seat checked this weekend.  That was hard.  We had put Kyler's car seat in the car but we never got around to getting it checked.  After we had Kyler I hated that car seat.  I wanted it gone, out of my car and gone.  It was the only thing that we had someone else take care of.  Take it out of the car before I have to leave the hospital were my instructions to our brother in law.  It disappeared from my car as requested.  We got it back a few days later and promptly gave it to someone else.  I'm really not sure I want Kalen's car seat in the car before we have him.  I was seriously considering just leaving it by the front door and having someone pick it up, AFTER we have a happy healthy baby, and bring it to the hospital.

I need to get my hospital bag packed soon.  I am also not sure how I want to do that.  It was so hard in the hospital with Kyler to dig through his totally irrelevant things to find my toothbrush.  Maybe I'll pack two bags.  Stuff for me and stuff for him.  Just in case.

I have a few people who have mentioned throwing me a baby shower.. sigh.  I wish I could get excited about a baby shower but I just can't.  I really don't want to plan one for myself.  I also don't want to be surprised.  I don't think I would hold up well at one.  I we have pretty much everything we need.  After we lost Kyler, it was very hard to figure out what to do with the things that people had given us.  Most of it we saved, so we already have a baby shower's worth of stuff.  I don't want to get more stuff, especially stuff we don't need and then have to go through the trauma of figuring out what to do with it if something happens.  On the other hand.  I want to celebrate Kalen.  I want him to have some of his own stuff.  I want to be okay with a baby shower for Kalen, but I don't know that I can be.

Kyler's baby shower was also the last time I really freely socialized with much of our family.  We stopped talking to a lot of them after we had Kyler and when we do it is very forced and uncomfortable.  If all the people who came to the first shower came to Kalen's it also would be very awkward.

I drove by the cemetery today on the way home from work.  I have been quite a bit lately, not on purpose, just because it is a better commute at the end of rush hour.  Today I drove by and the canopy was in the baby section.  The canopy that they use for funerals.  Kyler has a new neighbor.  :(  It hurts my heart that someone else is going through this now.  It has been such a beautiful week.. not a time to lose a baby.  To the parents of that baby... I'm so very sorry!

  

Perspective

Last Thursday I had to do my glucose test. The next day the nurse called me back. "You're going to wish you didn't answer the phone," she said. I failed the initial diabetes test. Today I get to spend 3 hours hanging out at the doctor's office, not eating, drinking sugar water, and getting my blood drawn over and over. Not a lot of fun, but also not really a big deal. Let's see, On the list of bad news I've gotten during pregnancies where does this rate....

1. We cant find the heartbeat. Your baby is dead.
2. You still have to deliver your baby and we can't knock you out for it.
3. You need a c-section and your epidural slipped, we are going to have to poke you again.
4. You're 22 weeks and dilated, we are sending you to the hospital
5. We are going to try and get the cerclage in, but we are not sure it will work. We might break your water and then your baby will die.
6. You can leave the hospital but you are on bed rest indefinately.
7. You have to get weekly (painful) shots.. (both times)
8. You might have gestational diabetes.
9. You have group b strep.

Yeah, pretty near the bottom of the list of bad news. At least if I do have diabetes, its something controllable, and if controlled shouldn't hurt Kalen. Not to mention, a diet change is a lot less disruptive on my life then something like bed rest. Not that I wouldn't do anything to get Kalen here safely.

This weekend we finally decided on colors for Kalen's room and started the process of changing Kyler's room to Kalen's. It's hard to "move on" but at the same time it is helpful. Kylers crib was just the way we left it on November 5th, except we had put the blanket and sleeper we were going to bring Kyler home on it. It was hard but also freeing to pack up his bedding set and dismantle the crib. This weekend we are going to paint and then get the a new crib for Kalen probably the next week. I'm excited to make the room his. Last time we painted it before we were even pregnant, so although it was really cute, it wasn't done specifically for Kyler. This time we are doing it specifically with Kalen in mind.

Clay is settling into his job a little more, which is taking a lot of the stress off. I also had a talk with my boss a couple weeks ago and told her how I felt like a lot of the work I do was being overlooked or trivialized. She's done a good job the last few weeks making sure to recognize my professionalism, reliability and contributions.

Kalen is now a little over 28 weeks. If he is born alive from this point forward, he should live. I've been thinking about when it is that babies move from heaven to the real world when you are pregnant. I think Kalen is here on earth with us when he's awake and kicking, and when he's sleeping, he is back in heaven playing as much as he can with his big brother Kyler.

Taking care of Kalen

I got sent home from work today. I was having contractions and not really noticing them. I sat down to talk to my boss and she noticed I kept pushing on my tummy and asked me about it. As I thought about it I did have a lot more contractions today then usual and I agreed with her that I should come home. The only way I could get them to go away was to lay down, lay.. Not sit or recline. So I've been laying in bed crazy bored and uncomfortable for 5 hours. I am glad that we at least got cable installed in the bedroom so I had a little choice on what I watched. Hopefully I can go back to work tomorrow. It is so hard for me to listen to my body and slow down. I want to push myself to do more, which is great when I'm not pregnant. But I am pregnant and high risk at that. If I am having contractions at work I just need to suck it up..... And leave. No matter what other stuff needs done. My only important job right now is getting Kalen here safely.

Clay started his new job last week. He is very stressed about iti hope he starts to settle into it and become comfortable soon. He was already having a hard time with Kyler and Kalen and I think the job stress is just adding to it. Can you believe that there is another new hire at his job named Kyler? It also doesn't help his stress that he doesn't get to sit around and babysit me or go to my doctor appointments.

I've been thinking a lot about that last week of pregnancy. It scares me so much. Scheduling the c-section for July 2nd sounds great, but I'm hung up on the days to due date. Kalen is scheduled 5 days before his due date. Kyler died 8days before his due date. I just can't get that out of my head.

Scattered Thoughts

I made it to the semi-magic 24 weeks.  Kalen *could* live if I had him now.  The truth is, he probably wouldn't, but there is the possibility.  I made it past where I started having problems with Kyler, I made it past that very scary log week and a half that I spent with Kyler on pins and needles holding my breath that he would make it to "viable" at 24 weeks.  And this time there still has not been any indication of problems.  It is slightly reassuring that there haven't been any unexpected problems with Kalen, but it is also not.  We made it through all the "scary" parts last time and were "safe" when we lost Kyler.  We learned a very hard lesson that you are never safe.  I am not sure I am ever going to be able to truly relax with Kalen.  My C-Section is scheduled for 5 days before my due date.  Kyler got wrapped up in his cord and died 8 days before my due date.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had not been as aggressive in preventing preterm labor with Kyler.  If I'd gone into full labor before he died, maybe he would have lived.  If he had lived though, I wouldn't have this little Kalen wiggle worm inside of me right now.  We did what we could, what everyone thought was best.  I try not to think about that too much though.  There is no way to go back and change what happened.  I think there was a reason we were picked to live this life.  We just have to live it the best that we can.

Clay started a new job this week.  It is such a relief.  I think it is something he will really like and can stay at for a while.  For the first time since January 2009 we don't have the pressure of wondering when the unemployment will run out or when the temp job will decide they don't need him.  I was also able to come to an agreement with my boss, her boss and my doctor where I am allowed to work another 4 hours a week from home while I am on limited activity.  I went in today to pay bills and realized that for the first time in months, we are able to pay all the bills with out dipping into savings or putting anything more on the credit card.  It is so encouraging.

My boss asked me this week if I was going back to work after I had Kalen.  I wish I could say I wasn't, but it doesn't seem like staying home is going to be an option right now.  She got me thinking that it is really time to start looking for daycare.  I dread this.  I didn't want to do it with Kyler either.  We had decided with Kyler we would look after I had him.  That ended up not being necessary.  I am not sure how, when we are checking them out, I'm going to keep from asking them the two big inappropriate questions that keep running through my mind.  Stupid questions.. "Will you refund the application fee if he dies?" and "How are you going to make sure he doesn't die while we are at work?"  Ugh...

Kyler has influenced pretty much everything we have done every day since the 22nd week of my pregnancy with him.  A couple days ago, he made me appreciate the walk we took around the block with the dog and encouraged me to go enjoy the tulips that have started coming up in our yard.  He made me glad that I put the time and effort into planting all those bulbs last fall, eventhough there were much more "important" things I should have been doing.  That same day he also made me notice the local hospital's Maternal/Child transport ambulance getting off the freeway with me.  We are lucky to live in a city with a very good NICU.  I'm glad they have that special transport to get those who need it to the NICU quickly, but it sucks that they need it.  I couldn't help but sadly wonder what journey that mommy and daddy were embarking on an unremarkable day in the middle of March.  Thanks to Kyler, pretty much every day I think about how lucky my husband and I were to find each other.  I can't imagine going through any of this with anyone else, or worse, alone.  We both appreciate the good things more.  We have a better understanding of what is important.  We really have come a long way since those gloomy November days a bit over a year ago.  We are still haunted by everything that happened, but at the same time we are able to stop and enjoy other things more.

Speaking of enjoying, I think I'll stop writing and enjoy the acrobatics that Kalen is performing in my tummy right now.  At least at this very moment in time I this little happy baby.  Enjoy every minute of a life, your life, that you can.  Nothing is certain except this moment.

Long Nights.

It's 7AM and I've been awake for hours.  I just can't get my brain to turn off.  I come home from work exhausted but as soon as I lie down my brain starts working.  I think that I fell asleep last night after lying in bed for 4 hours.  Then a little after 4 I had to get up to use the bathroom and that was the end of my nights sleep, my brain kicked back in gear.

A lot of the time that I do sleep I have nightmares.  The subjects of my nightmares vary, but the worst ones are of losing this baby or losing Clay.  At least when I wake up after one where I lost Clay I can just snuggle up to him, he's there.

Last night before I went to bed I was having contractions.  I have them all the time, it's fairly normal, but I have to be conscious of them.  More then 4 an hour can be trouble.  Of course I was worried that I would fall asleep and they would get worse and I wouldn't know it.  If were to get any worse we would have to go in to be monitored, down to Labor and Delivery.  Having to go back to Labor and Delivery (which is pretty much inevitable) scares the crap out of me, in fact just thinking about it is enough to start up a panic attack.  We have some horrible awful memories from labor and delivery triage.  I am afraid that walking in there would be enough to trigger a full flashback.  Of course, if I thought something was really wrong, I'd go.

I've also been worrying about work a lot.  They couldn't afford me to go to part time when I did, but now another one of the supervisors is leaving and they aren't replacing him.  That means they need me even more.  It makes me feel pretty bad and pretty useless.  When I ask my boss what I can do for her, she usually says, "be able to work 40 hours again."  This week she told me "you know the timing of this pregnancy really sucks for me."  Yeah I know.  This morning I woke up worrying about a couple things that I should have finished up yesterday but didn't have time to.  Since it is the weekend and I won't be back in until 3:30 on Monday, I just went ahead and dialed in and did it even though I shouldn't have.  I didn't want to worry about it all weekend.  I'll probably get in trouble.  I am still pushing my boss to see if I could work a few hours from home, but it still looks like it won't happen.  My boss said she was talking with her boss about making me salaried this week, but they can't because I am on restricted hours.  I'm worrying about that as well.  I don't want to be salaried, I don't want to be on call.  I'll try the oncall thing as part of a rotation to help out my boss and the other supervisors after I am off of restriction, but salaried scares me.  My boss works at least 60 hours a week.  If Kalen gets here, I can't do that.  I want to work less, not more.  I am really really hoping that Clay gets a good job with benefits that will break the monetary hold this job has on me.  Then I will just have to work on the emotional hold.

I could ask my doctor for some different sleeping pills, but right now I am on the safest ones for pregnancy.  I'd like to be knocked out at night more, but I'd rather stay on the safer pills and not sleep then possibly harm Kalen.  I am sure the doctor will ask me about it on Tuesday.  We'll see what she says.

Most days I am able to sleep hard, long and dream free mid mornings.  That keeps me from going too crazy.  In fact I think it is about time to head back to bed.

I am normal, but pregnancy after a loss is not.

I went to register for the new baby at a local baby store last weekend. The hours posted on google were wrong. We got there a half hour before close but it was too late. Just a normal thing that happens, right. You can always go back another day. Well, I had a doctors appointment the next day and had this overwhelming feeling that Sunday night would be my last day not on bedrest for months. When the poor registry lady told us we were too late I almost instantly broke out in tears. She felt bad and told me, "You can come back another day." I replied "Yeah I can, if I'm not on bed rest."  Trying to make me feel better she said, "Well if you are on bedrest you can do it online.". I told her, "Yeah, I know that's what I had to do last time." and I hurried off.  I hate crying in front of other people, especially people who don't know the whole story.  She just looked at me like I was a normal run of the mill crazy preggo who was just being extra emotional because of the hormones.  Clay wanted to still look around, he thought it would make me feel better so we started to.  She found us a few minutes later and gave me the registry "swag bag" just in case I wasn't able to come back.  That was nice of her, although it didn't make me feel any better.  I apologized to her for crying in front of her, she said "don't worry I'm menopausal  I cry over everything too."  Ugh, I know she didn't know, but it felt like she was trivializing my emotions.  In the back of my mind, I really wanted to drop the dead baby bomb on her. Make her understand why even walking into the store without panicking/having a flash back was an accomplishment in itself, never mind preparing myself to answer all the registry set up questions... Including the big one, "is this your first child." I was mentally prepared to get this done that day and couldn't. We walked a little further through the store and I started sobbing uncontrollably, we went home and it probably took me a good 2 hours to calm down.  You see registering was one of those big things I was looking forward to with Kyler.  I wanted to wander up and down the store aisles innocently looking at all those cute things imagining how he would look playing with them, using them.  With Kyler we didn't want to start registering until we knew if he was a boy or girl, so we had planned to go the day after my 22 week appointment.  As you probably know, we actually spent the next day in the hospital monitoring everything he did, preparing for surgery, wondering if he would like through the weekend.  After I was released from the hospital and sent home to bedrest, the dream of being able to wander through the aisles and register was gone.  Infact I didn't dare register until after he had made it past 24 weeks, the point where there was a possibility he would live.  When I did register I did it online, looking at pictures, reviews, and lists of what you "should" need for the baby, rather then holding feeling and browsing through everything.  I was lucky that I got to do it, but it wasn't the same by any stretch of the imagination. Despite my bad feeling, my doctor's appointment went fin the next day.  Yesterday we got up early, started the registry online so didn't have answer the questions in person.  Then we went in and just got a gun to "update" it.  It was a lot of fun, of course not like I had imagined it would be with Kyler, and there was a little bit of sadness with it as well.  We are planning on using most the stuff we got for Kyler with the new baby, so it was bitter sweet to think things like, no we don't have to register for any Newborn diapers, we have enough that the new baby can use.  Or, let's go ahead and register for the high chair, we never did end up getting one for Kyler, we were going to get one later but "later" never came.  Anyway we got it done.  We registered for lots of fun and cut stuff and had those daydreams in the store of the new baby playing with all the toys, rolling around on the fuzzy giraffe mat, or throwing Cheerios out of his high chair to the dog.

Speaking of the "new baby", he's not "new baby" anymore.  I think we've picked out his name.  He is going to be Kalen Gabriel.  Of course on the internet it says Kalen means lots of things, but I'm going to go with it means Mighty Warrior.  His middle name, like with Kyler, we picked more for meaning.  Gabriel, God is my strength.  I was joking with Clay that we were setting a prescendent that if we have any more kids they will have to be K first names with biblical middle names.  I don't like that there are a lot of girls named Kaylen, Kaelyn ect ect, but Kalen is a boy's name and I really like it.  I told my boss the name we picked the other day, she said she liked it but she had really like Kyler, yeah, we did too.

Picking names this time was very different.  It was more hurried.  We have been looking at names since we found out we were pregnant, even before.  We weren't even going to wait until we found out boy or girl, we were just going to pick one of each, but then we found out so early he was a boy.  We needed to get him a name in case something happened.  When I went into the hospital at 22 weeks with Kyler and we thought we were going to lose him I felt so guilty.  I was worried he was going to die with out a name.  We didn't even have any ideas at that time. Last time we thought a lot about how it would look on a school roster, if a sub would be able to pronounce it, how it would sound announced a graduation, how it would look on business cards. This time we thought about all of that again, but also had one more thing to add to the list. How will it look on a head stone. I don't think Kalen will die, but it is part of my life, babies die even for no reason. This makes me think about things sometimes. The last couple times we have gone to the cemetery I've wondered if we could get a plot adjacent to Kyler if something happened to Kalen.  Some people might think that is weird or morbid, but I don't really.  I just know reality is, there is no guarentee one way or another.  Good things happen but so do bad things.

I've still been going to my counselor.  I was going every two weeks, but last week she bumped me back up to every week. She doesn't think I am dealing well with the pregnancy. I am having a hard time with a lot of stuff, but I think a lot of it is just normal pregnancy after a loss things, like the name and grave thing, or like still having trouble going to baby stores, or not wanting to take baby classes because you don't want to be surrounded by happy oblivious preggos. She keeps telling me I need to keep positive and basically not to think about what happened with Kyler.  I know that Kalen and Kyler are different but we haven't even gotten to where I started having problems last time.  We still two weeks away from the "scary" weeks that we had with Kyler.  I am positive about this pregnancy, but cautiously so.  I just don't think that she understands the complexity.  We'll see how it goes over the next couple weeks.  Like I said, I have a lot of trouble when I feel like people are trivializing my feelings, chalking them up to "pregnancy hormones" or depression that can be fixed with pills.  It is just complicated.  Pregnancy after a loss is hard, really hard.  It takes strength and courage beyond words.

I miss Kyler.  We are going to start changing his room over to Kalen's in the next couple of weeks. That is exciting and hard.  I know Kyler wouldn't mind sharing.  The Kyler chapter of our life will never be closed, but it is kind of like we are turning to a new blank page, you have to flip back a page to see him.  If I feel up to it tonight I might start taping off the baseboards for painting.  We still haven't decided what we are going to do with his stuff, like the gifts people gave us for his first birthday, his hand and foot mold, the pregnancy test from him.  I defiantly don't want it tucked away in a box in a closet somewhere, but I don't think it should be in Kalen's room.  Maybe we will move it to our room or something.  Clay has been thinking about making a shadow box for it, but hasn't gotten it done yet.

I've still been working 20 hours per week.  It is good and bad.  Sometimes I feel really guilty that I am not there to help out with things and I feel like I am kind of out of the loop.  Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not work at all, but then I would never see or talk to anyone or really have any motivation to get out of bed every day.  Clay got laid off the first of January and it has been nice to have him home, but going from two full time paychecks to one half of a paycheck and an unemployment check has been stressful.  I just see these bills racking up on top of the bills we have left from Kyler.  I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, we are making minimum payments and the only "secured" debt is the house.  It's not like they are going to dig up Kyler, shove him back in me and take his headstone away if we don't pay the credit card we put all of that on, but it is hard to watch that emergency savings account dwindle and the credit card debt to up.  My counselor told me last week, just think in no time you will be back to work full time.  UGH, the other big thing I have been struggling with.  I don't know how I am going to be able to leave Kalen and go back to work full time, but the reality is, I am going to have to figure it out.  Of course I worried a lot about that with Kyler, and it turned out to not be an issue.  I would have dropped him in daycare 10 hours a day 5 days a week if it meant I could have him the rest of the time.  I guess it will work out in the end.

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant.  Usually that is a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy but I'm not feeling it this time.  One of my coworkers asked me about it on Friday.  "You are 20 weeks, right, how exciting."  I pulled one of those ungraceful moves and told her "Not really, the big ones for me are 22 weeks, when we had problems with Kyler the first time, 24 weeks, the point at which babies are considered viable outside of the womb, and 28 weeks, when the majority of babies born early survive."  I felt a little bad, but it was honest.  I think she understood, she is one of the most honest people I work with.

This weekend I was able to spend two days sitting outside in the sun with out a coat on.  I think that helped my "spirit" a lot.  Now the sun is starting to go down and it's getting a bit chilly outside.  I guess I better wrap up this long rant and head inside.  Thanks for listening to me gripe.  Thanks to everyone who reads.  It's not always unicorns and rainbows but we are still moving forward.  

Another Week, Another Doctor Appt

Another week another doctor appointment, well I am supposed to have them every two weeks, but this time to get the scheduling worked out they were back to back weeks.  We got to see little buddy again and he was very active.  He moved his arms, lets and opened and closed his mouth.  The doctor said everything is going good, no more restrictions but strict orders to not do any more then I have been.  I guess I'll keep holding down my spot on the couch when I am not at work.  I am catching up pretty quick on all my "trash" tv, not sure what I'll do when I am caught up.

Our dog has been very clingy to me.  He wasn't like this with Kyler.  It is pretty rare that he is not snuggled up with me when I am home.  I hope that's a good sign.

I also want to say how grateful I am to have Clay.  Sometimes he drives me crazy and I am sure I drive him crazy as well but he is great and we are great together.  I was thinking about it tonight and about some of the guys before Clay, and how awful they were.  I found out one of them has a divorce and a couple of very similarly aged kids by two baby momma's under his belt.  I am so lucky that I found my way to Clay, even if I have to nag him a little and he can't give me shots.

Speaking of shots, I had my first shot of many today.  It wasn't quite as bad as I remember, although I haven't tried to sleep on that side yet.  I told the nurse that I wanted to do them on the day I worked early so I could go home and whine to Clay about it rather then my co-workers.  :D  She told Clay he better have some flowers or bling for me every Thursday afternoon.  I think I'll take him just putting up with my whining.

Feeling kind of useless

I feel like I should preface this with, I didn't sleep well last night and I am tired.  The more tired I am the more "crazy" I get.

It's been a couple weeks since I was put on activity restrictions and started working 20 hours a week and I am starting to feel isolated and alone.  I had to quit the food bank, I don't see may people at work.  I can't go do much at all outside of work.  Even going to the grocery store is a struggle.

There is a lot of important, useful, stuff I could be doing for work, but it is hard to get it done in 4 hours a day.  It's stuff I could do from home and I think that would make me feel accomplished  but I am not allowed.  HR doesn't like to have hourly associates work from home.  I think it is doable but I don't think that my boss has the time to try and get it approved.  Even though I do contribute when I am at work, it feels like I've been or should be written off.  After all we have no idea how long I'm going to be able to do even the 20 hours a week.  I'm slipping down the ladder watching everyone else climb much higher.

Today I went in for a staff meeting and pretty much just felt like an outsider.  They decided that they are going to have a team get together outside of work some time soon.  Not a big deal.  The support staff is expected to come.  The problem is one of the girls is going to bring her newborn.  I still can't deal with babies, especially newborns.  We had a Christmas party last month and I had a full on panic attack at the possibility that she was going to show up with her baby and ended up not going.  Not sure how I'm going to deal with this mandatory socialization.

I've been trying to help around the house as much as I can, but I am pretty limited with that too.  Clay is pretty much doing everything around the house.  I get irritated when I feel like he has sat around and played on the computer or watched TV all day and didn't get anything done, but I don't really have a right to get irritated because I am sitting on the couch right next to him.

HR said that they would have a decision on my FMLA application by the end of the week.  I'm worried about it, even-though there isn't any reason that it should be denied.  But then again, I didn't think there was any reason my disability would be denied.  I'm not sure what to do about the disability.  I still think they are wrong, but I really don't want to deal with it, and I don't even know who could answer the questions I have about the policy.

We did get the results back on some of the testing we had done on the baby.  We are in the lowest risk category for Trisomy and some other conditions.  That is exciting.  We also had an ultrasound on Monday and it looked encouraging.  My cervix is measuring quite a bit longer then it was last time, although the doctor we saw said that he didn't expect it to start shortening for another couple weeks.  We did get confirmation that it is a boy!  Little buddy wasn't being cooperative with having his picture taken though, so we didn't get any good pictures of him.  We have another doctor appointment/ultrasound on Tuesday.  Maybe we'll get some good pictures then.

We got our "family" pictures back and they are pretty good.  I am glad we did it.  It was kind of a, look we survived a year and are doing okay kind of thing for me.

Rollercoaster

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since my last post.  I did go back to work that Monday for my full 10 hour shift.  Less then an hour in I knew exactly why the doctors didn't seem too keen on me returning to work full time (even though they never told me not to.)  There was a huge difference between puttering around the house and actually going to work.  I was crampy, having some contractions and exhausted.  I stuck it out Monday and Tuesday knowing that I had a doctor's appointment (and the day off) on Wednesday.

My doctor appointment went well but when we started talking about work, the doctor restricted me to 20 hours a week.  It seemed perfect.  My disability policy defines a disability as being unable to make at least 80% of your normal wage with a 7 day waiting period before they pay benefits.  It seemed I would be able to get partial disability since I was working part time.  I applied, but then they called me and denied me.  They said that I would have to be out a full 7 days to be approved, even though their policy says 7 days of continuous disability and a disability is not being able to make 80% argh!  So half the work means half the pay.  If I was out completely I would get 60%.  It feels like I am getting penalized because we are trying to keep things from getting bad.

After I realized I wasn't going to get paid full time I had another realization, my company doesn't provide health insurance for part time associates.  My boss called HR for me and sure enough, if you average less then 32 hours a week you are not eligible.  At this point I was really upset.  How was I supposed to choose between working the 20 hours my doctor wanted me to and having health insurance, especially for the baby.

Luckily the next day (after a sleepless night) I remembered that I should qualify for FMLA and you can take it intermittently to cover shortened work weeks.  I called HR again and they told me if I qualify for intermittent FMLA it will cover the hours that I need for health insurance.  My doctor is supposed to get my paperwork in to them tomorrow or Tuesday.  I am still nervous about being approved, but I should be.  I've done some reading and most people who have a cerclage, even a preventive one, go out of work full time as soon as it is done.  If I get approved then we just have to worry about money.  That's a big worry but we will figure it out.  Clay got laid off again at the first of the year, but he does qualify for unemployment so that will help us get by.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the specialist.  They are supposed to do an ultrasound to see if my cervix has shortened any.  If it has I will likely be on full time bedrest.  I'll also see what he thinks about my working situation (it was my normal OB that put me on 20 hours a week).  I am guessing that they should be able to tell for sure if it is a boy or girl tomorrow, since they could almost tell 5 weeks ago.  I'm excited about that.

We has family pictures taken last weekend.  I realized that the only professional pictures we had were of our wedding and the NILMDTS pictures that we had done in the hospital.  We both wanted to take some pictures with the picture we had of Kyler, so we picked a photographer who also works with NILMDTS.  We thought she would be more sensitive to what we wanted to do, and she defiantly was.  We has a lot of fun, got the pictures we wanted with Kyler's picture and some other ones with our dog, Ranon, and just us together.  We have gotten a few preview pictures so far and they are great.  We should get the rest of them later this week.

Other then the drama with pay and insurance, working 20 hours has been pretty good.  I get to sleep in as late as I need to, take a shower as late as I need to (showers have been a huge nausea trigger), take naps and just rest almost as much as I need to.  I have been mostly sleeping and lying on the couch since she changed my hours.  I think that the last 3 months of being so sick and exhausted and still working full time really took it's tole on me so it is nice to recover.

Recovering

My surgery went well.  The anesthesiologist decided it would be easier on us both to just give me general anesthesia and I agreed.  I didn't talk to the doctor after my surgery, but Clay did, and the doctor said it went well.  I haven't had any problems or complications other then a sore throat from the breathing tube.  The doctor sent me home with a few pain pills and I haven't even really needed them.  I've just been sleeping and resting since then.

After I was in recovery I asked the nurses to check the baby's heartbeat and they told me they couldn't.  I should have insisted but I wasn't really in the state of mind to fight with them.  I haven't been very anxious about it anyway.

My regular doctor's office called to make sure I was doing okay today.  That made me feel a bit better too.  I have an appointment with them next week.

It looks like if everything continues to go well I will be back to work on Monday.  I am just going to try and rest the rest of the weekend, although I am getting a little antsy.

We told Kyler to let the new baby know not to misbehave during and after the surgery, that the bright light wasn't showing him the exit and that his current digs are pretty good for the next 6 months.  It seems he listened.

New Hope

For the last few months we've been carrying around a big secret.  We've been trying to get pregnant again since last June.  It just wasn't happening and things didn't seem right.  I went to the doctor at the beginning of October to get checked out and she said I was right, my chances of getting pregnant at the time were pretty small.  She sent me home with some things to try and told us not to stop trying even though the odds didn't look great at that time.

Three weeks later I was registering for my heath insurance for next year and just before I was going to submit it, I thought, "I should probably check and see if I am pregnant before I submit these changes."  I snuck off to take a test and sure enough, positive.

The time since then has been a whirlwind of work, doctor appointments, and the majority of the rest of the time spent sleeping or huddled over the toilet.  At first we kept it a pretty big secret, only telling a couple of my close friends and my boss.  I didn't really want to tell my boss that soon, but when I started puking regularly two days after I had a positive test I figured she should know.

Like I've said, we've been to the doctor lots, actually lots of doctors lots.  At my first doctor's appointment with my regular doctor, the nurse proved herself to be the saint I knew she was.  She came and got us out of the waiting room and diverted us to the ultrasound room right away.  The baby really was in there and had a strong heart beat.

The regular doctor sent me to the specialist who put in my cerclage last time.  They decided that a preventive cerclage would be better this time and scheduled me for surgery January 2nd.  After we found out that the surgery was going to be so soon, we decided we better start telling more people.  We told our families last week and have told a few more people since then.  Everyone has been supportive.

Telling people is a lot harder then it was before.  Lots of people have asked me, "this is a good thing, right?" like they don't think I am "appropriately" excited.  I am excited to have a baby, it is what I want, what both of us want, but I know that being pregnant does not guarantee we will end up with a baby.  I can't help but think that everyone we tell is someone we will have to "untell" if something happens.  I guess you could say we are being cautiously optimistic   

We had been saying the whole time we were trying that Kyler and my Sister were picking out Kyler's brother or sister for us and when the time was right and they were all done playing they would send the new baby to us.  It was pretty perfect timing.  We found out we were pregnant a week before Kyler's 1st Birthday.  Being pregnant doesn't fix anything, but it does give us hope that we will get to be the parents we want to be.  It made his birthday and the subsequent holidays a lot easier.

The new baby is due at the beginning of July.  We are already thinking of late summer adventures that we can do with a new born.  I think July and August will be prefect months to have off on maternity leave.  I am also dreaming of extravagant water park birthday parties when he gets older.  I always wished my birthday was in the summer.

Tomorrow is my cerclage.  I hope it all goes well.  I am definitely worrying more then I did last time, but I've seen what can go wrong.  I know that the chances of anything going wrong this time are pretty slim, but then again the chances of anything happening last time were pretty slim too.

So right now we are asking for your prayers, positive thoughts, positive vibes or what ever your belief's are.  We appreciate them all.

Here is his debut pictures. (Yeah, his.  We had a detailed ultrasound and they couldn't tell for sure but they said 90% that it is another boy.  We'll get that confirmed in the next couple months.)