I'm still here and still surviving. I've been a bit under the weather since we got back from my birthday trip. I've mostly been sleeping and working. I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part until the last week. I have been a little bit paranoid about everything over the last week. I am not sure why. I don't want to go to work, I'm sure I'll screw something up there. I really don't want to face the holidays. I just want to hide in bed.
My work had a holiday party on Friday. I was supposed to go but by the time I got done putting out fires at work I was emotionally done. I was bawling in the car on the way home. I went and met my husband and we started to head to the party but I couldn't stop bawling. I decided I couldn't put on the happy show any longer that day and we drove right past the party, got dinner and headed home. Holiday parties really aren't my thing this year.
We are headed to our little cabin rental on Saturday. I am pretty excited. I am ready to just get away from real life and hide for a few days with my husband and puppy. I've just got to get through the next 4 days of work.
We haven't been about to do a lot of the donations that we wanted to yet this Holiday Season, but today we did go buy some little toys to donate. It was good and bad. I liked picking out the toys, but I didn't like thinking about how those kids don't really have anything. I also didn't like going through the toy section and wondering what we would have been buying for Kyler.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Happy 1st Birthday Kyler
Yesterday was Kyler's first birthday. It wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. We slept in, went and voted, and went to breakfast. After breakfast we took a bunch of things out to Kyler's grave. We got him two balloons a happy birthday one, and a big number 1. We also got him a birthday hat that said happy birthday, and some flowers. Quite a few people had already been out there and since they are no longer mowing all the stuff we've taken in the past few weeks is still there. He's got a lot of stuff.
After we dropped off his things we went to the zoo. It was a beautiful day.
After the zoo we went shopping. I taught my husband a little about "retail therapy." We really didn't buy that much, but it was kind of fun. We did end up with a blu-ray player that he is pretty excited about.
After shopping we went to dinner and then came home, had cake and watched movies on the new blu-ray player. The cake that the bakery made for Kyler was perfect.
Oh, and Ranon snuggled up with Kyler's bear for a while.
(Okay, I admit it, I put the bear under his paw, but he stayed like that for a long time)
So a year later, we are doing okay. I would give anything to have Kyler back, but I have received some great gifts because of his loss. Clay and I are stronger in our relationship then I think we ever could have been. Both of us have a much better idea of what we want in life, what is important, and what is not worth worrying about. We have met some great people because of his loss, and reconnected with others. We have a much better support system then we did before. We have a much better idea who we want to put the effort into maintaining relationships with and who's drama isn't worth it. I am a bit better at standing up for myself. I have always wanted to do things for others, but never got it done.. not any more, now I do it.
I am excited about the next year, I think it will be good to us. I haven't cried in a couple weeks. I know the tears will come back, but it has been nice to have a little break.
After we dropped off his things we went to the zoo. It was a beautiful day.
After the zoo we went shopping. I taught my husband a little about "retail therapy." We really didn't buy that much, but it was kind of fun. We did end up with a blu-ray player that he is pretty excited about.
After shopping we went to dinner and then came home, had cake and watched movies on the new blu-ray player. The cake that the bakery made for Kyler was perfect.
Oh, and Ranon snuggled up with Kyler's bear for a while.
So a year later, we are doing okay. I would give anything to have Kyler back, but I have received some great gifts because of his loss. Clay and I are stronger in our relationship then I think we ever could have been. Both of us have a much better idea of what we want in life, what is important, and what is not worth worrying about. We have met some great people because of his loss, and reconnected with others. We have a much better support system then we did before. We have a much better idea who we want to put the effort into maintaining relationships with and who's drama isn't worth it. I am a bit better at standing up for myself. I have always wanted to do things for others, but never got it done.. not any more, now I do it.
I am excited about the next year, I think it will be good to us. I haven't cried in a couple weeks. I know the tears will come back, but it has been nice to have a little break.
Monday, November 5, 2012
One Year Ago
One year ago today, November 5th, by this time, about noon. Kyler was dead. I know he was. I had gotten up pretty early that day and was sitting on the couch watching TV and he had the hiccups. That was the last time I felt him move, after that I am pretty sure he was gone. I had a feeling that something was wrong, but then I also thought I was making things up. We spent the rest of the day that day getting his room ready.
I took today and tomorrow off of work. I was planning on just hiding my head under the covers all day today but alas, I had lots of things I had to get done. I had to go get my drivers license renewed, and take my wedding ring in to get re-sized. Later today I have to go back and pick up my ring, pick up Kyler's cake and maybe some balloons for him.
It is a beautiful day outside. I bought 75 or so spring bulbs a few weeks ago and I am going to go and get them planted here in a few minutes. I am glad that I took today off work. I guess I am glad I got out of bed. Tomorrow is going to be rough too, but Clay has the day off. We will make it special.
I took today and tomorrow off of work. I was planning on just hiding my head under the covers all day today but alas, I had lots of things I had to get done. I had to go get my drivers license renewed, and take my wedding ring in to get re-sized. Later today I have to go back and pick up my ring, pick up Kyler's cake and maybe some balloons for him.
It is a beautiful day outside. I bought 75 or so spring bulbs a few weeks ago and I am going to go and get them planted here in a few minutes. I am glad that I took today off work. I guess I am glad I got out of bed. Tomorrow is going to be rough too, but Clay has the day off. We will make it special.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
11 Months
Kyler would have been 11 months today. Today I looked up what he would have been doing. He probably would have been saying a couple words, walking around holding our hands and being a happy little almost toddler. I try not to look that stuff up very often. I haven't been around babies much so I don't really know the milestones we are missing and I think that makes it easier.
We had a pretty good day. We went to "See Spot Walk" a fun walk for the local humane society.
We had a pretty good day. We went to "See Spot Walk" a fun walk for the local humane society.
Ranon loved it.
After the walk Clay and I went to a nice lunch at a way more upscale restaurant then we normally go to and then we went shopping for decorations for the Halloween party that is fast approaching. Then we took a nap and went to a housewarming party for one of my co-workers.
We did get our house refinanced. That takes a lot of pressure off. Clay also got recalled to the job he was laid off from about a month ago and it should last into December this time.
We are planning a trip to the coast for either my birthday or Kyler's. I think that will be nice. We, also, booked a cabin in the woods for a winter vacation and are super excited about that. We are going to go hang out for 4 nights with just us and the pup. It should be snowy and cozy. We are going to bake cookies, bread, cinnamon rolls, drink hot chocolate, watch movies, and play in the snow. It should be perfect.
I did volunteer at the food bank last Wednesday and I really liked it. I signed up to do 4 hours every Wednesday. I think that it will be good for me.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Update on Today's meltdown
So just a quick update to earlier today. I wrote the first post on my lunch, went back into work and went from being super angry to bawling uncontrollably Awesome. I lasted all of 10 minutes back from lunch before I had to leave again. I went out on the greenbelt behind my work, sat on a bench and sobbed for an hour. Luckily my boss is pretty understanding. She called me while I was out there (she was off today) and told me to leave for the rest of the day. I really didn't want to leave and burn all that time off and was able to pull myself back together enough to go back for the rest of the day after about an hour. I wasn't very productive at work today but I am kind of glad I went back, although I am not very proud of the scene I caused before I left. I just couldn't keep from bawling. I don't really blame the girl. I know it probably doesn't even cross her mind that something could go wrong with her baby. I know it had nothing to do with me.
I just want Kyler back so badly and would do anything, especially something so small as taking 3 hours off work and paying a hundred bucks, to have him back.
I made it to my car before I started crying again when I got out of work, cried the whole way home and for the first 15 minutes after I got home. Then I took one of my good friends up on an offer to make me feel better and went on a hour or so long walk. I'm feeling a little bit better. Hopefully I can get a little sleep and will feel better tomorrow. If not, tomorrow is Friday.
I just want Kyler back so badly and would do anything, especially something so small as taking 3 hours off work and paying a hundred bucks, to have him back.
I made it to my car before I started crying again when I got out of work, cried the whole way home and for the first 15 minutes after I got home. Then I took one of my good friends up on an offer to make me feel better and went on a hour or so long walk. I'm feeling a little bit better. Hopefully I can get a little sleep and will feel better tomorrow. If not, tomorrow is Friday.
Don't take it for granted. Not all babies live
Ugh. I'm soooo angry! I just sat and listened to one of my pregnant co-workers bitch at her doctor because she doesn't want to take 3 hours off work to go do a expanded glucose test. I know the longer tests suck, but it's fucking 3 hours, and a hundred bucks or so. Yeah, everything is probably fine, but what if it isn't? I can't imagine how I'd feel if I thought there was anything more I could have done for Kyler. Especially if it was something as simple as sitting in a doctors office for 3 hours. I wish people wouldn't take this baby making so lightly. Bad things can happen, bad things do happen. I want to live in a world where all babies are wanted, and especially those who are wanted come home, but I don't anymore. Please don't take it for granted.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
So, in about 15 minutes it is going to be October. 11 Months since we lost Kyler. I was thinking I needed to do something small to honor him, so I put this together to hang in my cube at work. He needs to be shared. Too bad if it makes people uncomfortable.
I think it turned out quite well.
I think it turned out quite well.
Great weekend and other stuff
This weekend we had a great weekend. We stayed in a cabin at the summit of the blues. It was perfect. We were able to stay for 2 nights. Saturday we went down to Pendleton and took the underground tour and then went to the Indian casino. Today we hiked around the campground and then took a 4 hour detour home through some of the most beautiful country around. We saw elk, deer, rabbits, cows, chipmunks, Kokanee salmon. We are planning a winter getaway later this year and I had seen some good deals on cabins at wallowa lake in Oregon. I wanted to stop and make sure it was as beautiful and perfect as it looked like it would be. It was. I think we will get the reservation made when we get home. After stopping and checking that out we came up over the mountains into the hells canyon area. Like I said it was absolutely beautiful, but I wish we were home already. Only a little over an hour and we will be, though.
We are also thinking about going to the Oregon coast for either my birthday or Kyler's. I haven't been there in the winter. I think it would be interesting. Last year we were blessed by being able to go to Hawaii about a month after we had Kyler. While we were there we took rose petals out and spread them on the beach. I'd really like to be able to do that every year, but financially it is not realistic. So I think we will make a tradition going to the coast each November/December and spreading petals. Any coast, any ocean. We live about 12 hours from the coast and could just go, release the petals and turn around and come home at the very least each year.
Thursday I got up and was getting ready for work and started coughing and couldn't catch my breath. I took my inhaler and went to work thinking it would clear up, it didn't. I couldn't get an appointment at the doctor until the afternoon so I took a half a Xanax and continued on. It got a little better but not much. I went into the doctor and he gave me a nebulizer, a script for prednisone and more Xanax. He's not sure if it is my asthma or a wired kind of panic attack. Awesome, just what I need, more crazy. We'll see what happens. I am a little worried that it might be blood clots but he wasn't concerned.
Wednesday is my first volunteer shift at the foodbank. I am so excited to do something for someone else. It is also about time to work on some more blankets and I am thinking of doing a few big things for Christmas.
Tomorrow we are going to go refinance our house. It is going to save is quite a bit of money which hopefully will help us make a dent in the baby bills if I don't spend it all on adventure or charity. :)
Another one of my co-workers wife's is pregnant. When I was pregnant, actually I think it was the day before I went on bed rest he told me how jealous he was of us. Well I guess it's my turn to be jealous. I'd venture to say I am about 250,000 times more jealous then he was. Things will be fine for them, they almost always are. I've been having a hard time having hope for more babies in Clay and I's future lately. I just have a bad feeling that it isn't going to happen. I can't explain why. Hopefully it is just some of that paranoid crazy, but we will see. I try not to get too discouraged. Even if we aren't able to have more babies, we did make a beautiful one and we will have a good life together.
Anyway, enough gloom. Here are some of the pictures of our beautiful weekend.
We are also thinking about going to the Oregon coast for either my birthday or Kyler's. I haven't been there in the winter. I think it would be interesting. Last year we were blessed by being able to go to Hawaii about a month after we had Kyler. While we were there we took rose petals out and spread them on the beach. I'd really like to be able to do that every year, but financially it is not realistic. So I think we will make a tradition going to the coast each November/December and spreading petals. Any coast, any ocean. We live about 12 hours from the coast and could just go, release the petals and turn around and come home at the very least each year.
Thursday I got up and was getting ready for work and started coughing and couldn't catch my breath. I took my inhaler and went to work thinking it would clear up, it didn't. I couldn't get an appointment at the doctor until the afternoon so I took a half a Xanax and continued on. It got a little better but not much. I went into the doctor and he gave me a nebulizer, a script for prednisone and more Xanax. He's not sure if it is my asthma or a wired kind of panic attack. Awesome, just what I need, more crazy. We'll see what happens. I am a little worried that it might be blood clots but he wasn't concerned.
Wednesday is my first volunteer shift at the foodbank. I am so excited to do something for someone else. It is also about time to work on some more blankets and I am thinking of doing a few big things for Christmas.
Tomorrow we are going to go refinance our house. It is going to save is quite a bit of money which hopefully will help us make a dent in the baby bills if I don't spend it all on adventure or charity. :)
Another one of my co-workers wife's is pregnant. When I was pregnant, actually I think it was the day before I went on bed rest he told me how jealous he was of us. Well I guess it's my turn to be jealous. I'd venture to say I am about 250,000 times more jealous then he was. Things will be fine for them, they almost always are. I've been having a hard time having hope for more babies in Clay and I's future lately. I just have a bad feeling that it isn't going to happen. I can't explain why. Hopefully it is just some of that paranoid crazy, but we will see. I try not to get too discouraged. Even if we aren't able to have more babies, we did make a beautiful one and we will have a good life together.
Anyway, enough gloom. Here are some of the pictures of our beautiful weekend.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Things are going
Things are going for me. Somedays are good some are bad. Some are a mix. Today everything is fine, but I've been fighting anger all day. I really just want to pick a fight. Thankfully no one is taking the bait so far.
In the past couple weeks it seems like everyone is having a baby. The pregnant girl had her baby. I had a hard time with that. I heard she was going into labor and it just felt so unfair. Of course she was going to go into labor and have a happy healthy baby a few hours later. That's how it works for everyone. Everyone but me. It's not at all that I wish this on anyone else, I just wish their reality on myself. My boss left me off the announcement email. I think that's better for me. One of my other co-workers wife's had a baby last week too. I'm happy for him. I've always just thought he was a nice guy. Not that I don't like the other coworker. It's just complicated. There is one more girl who is pregnant at work. She is due in December. I haven't had as strong of a reaction to her as other pregnant people. I'm not sure why. Sometimes she gets to me, but nothing like the random pregnant women in the supermarket. Maybe I am just desensitized to her. She is having a boy and so did the guy. I went and looked through Kyler's stuff last night to see if there was anything I could give either of them, but I didn't find anything I could part with. Maybe I'll go look again in a week or so.
Christmas is coming up quick. I think rather then do any gifts we will do some things in remembrance of Kyler. I was thinking we'd make donations to "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep", "Project Bear", "Mom of an Angel", "Handmade Memories" and "Share". Along with some charity toy donations and some more blankets. Maybe we will ask others to do this instead of getting us gifts. We'll see that plan is still forming.
In the past couple weeks it seems like everyone is having a baby. The pregnant girl had her baby. I had a hard time with that. I heard she was going into labor and it just felt so unfair. Of course she was going to go into labor and have a happy healthy baby a few hours later. That's how it works for everyone. Everyone but me. It's not at all that I wish this on anyone else, I just wish their reality on myself. My boss left me off the announcement email. I think that's better for me. One of my other co-workers wife's had a baby last week too. I'm happy for him. I've always just thought he was a nice guy. Not that I don't like the other coworker. It's just complicated. There is one more girl who is pregnant at work. She is due in December. I haven't had as strong of a reaction to her as other pregnant people. I'm not sure why. Sometimes she gets to me, but nothing like the random pregnant women in the supermarket. Maybe I am just desensitized to her. She is having a boy and so did the guy. I went and looked through Kyler's stuff last night to see if there was anything I could give either of them, but I didn't find anything I could part with. Maybe I'll go look again in a week or so.
Christmas is coming up quick. I think rather then do any gifts we will do some things in remembrance of Kyler. I was thinking we'd make donations to "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep", "Project Bear", "Mom of an Angel", "Handmade Memories" and "Share". Along with some charity toy donations and some more blankets. Maybe we will ask others to do this instead of getting us gifts. We'll see that plan is still forming.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Today's meltdown is sponsored by..
Today I got up on time, got ready for work, was ready to go a little early and then I had a meltdown. What caused this sudden melt down? This...
I was standing in my kitchen finishing my breakfast and I looked up at the calendar that my mom made with pictures from the last year and saw this guy staring back at me. (Don't feel bad about putting him on the calendar mom. He's cute and there is no way of knowing what will set me off. This was just one of those out of the blue random weird things) I had forgotten about him. My parents got him for me and Kyler while I was on bed rest. I was in love with him right away. He had a hole that we found after they gave him to me. I couldn't let him go back to the store, I made my husband dig out my needle and thread so I could sew him up. I've always had an attachment to stuffed animals. I didn't want to share this guy with Kyler.
After I had Kyler this guy stayed in the living room for a few months and eventually he was moved into the corner of our room with the rest of my special stuffed animals. I had seen him every day but not really registered that he was there. When I saw that picture on the calendar I remembered the whole story, especially that I hadn't wanted to share him with Kyler. I couldn't remember where he was at first, then I found him and just started crying. I just wanted to crawl into bed and cuddle with him all day.
I left for work anyway, crying. I got to work, crying. I moved desks and have a new neighbor at work. I am sure he thinks I am crazy. My bosses boss sits right behind me now to, I am sure she thinks I am crazy. I did settle down after a few hours. I was able to make it through the day. I felt exhausted all day, but I made it. Then I went to dinner with my family and it was fine. I guess it is an accomplishment that I made it through anyway. I think tonight I am going to cuddle up with the lamb, husband and maybe the dog in bed.
Kyler, I would have shared the lamb with you.
I was standing in my kitchen finishing my breakfast and I looked up at the calendar that my mom made with pictures from the last year and saw this guy staring back at me. (Don't feel bad about putting him on the calendar mom. He's cute and there is no way of knowing what will set me off. This was just one of those out of the blue random weird things) I had forgotten about him. My parents got him for me and Kyler while I was on bed rest. I was in love with him right away. He had a hole that we found after they gave him to me. I couldn't let him go back to the store, I made my husband dig out my needle and thread so I could sew him up. I've always had an attachment to stuffed animals. I didn't want to share this guy with Kyler.
After I had Kyler this guy stayed in the living room for a few months and eventually he was moved into the corner of our room with the rest of my special stuffed animals. I had seen him every day but not really registered that he was there. When I saw that picture on the calendar I remembered the whole story, especially that I hadn't wanted to share him with Kyler. I couldn't remember where he was at first, then I found him and just started crying. I just wanted to crawl into bed and cuddle with him all day.
I left for work anyway, crying. I got to work, crying. I moved desks and have a new neighbor at work. I am sure he thinks I am crazy. My bosses boss sits right behind me now to, I am sure she thinks I am crazy. I did settle down after a few hours. I was able to make it through the day. I felt exhausted all day, but I made it. Then I went to dinner with my family and it was fine. I guess it is an accomplishment that I made it through anyway. I think tonight I am going to cuddle up with the lamb, husband and maybe the dog in bed.
Kyler, I would have shared the lamb with you.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
September 11
11 years ago, I didn't know much about tragedy or losing someone you are really close with. I didn't really know any trauma. I watched as the planes hit the towers and collapsed and thought how horrible it was. But my life continued. In fact I remember going to my accounting class and was a little disappointed that it wasn't canceled. That afternoon, I went about my business and I drove around and picked up a bunch of job applications.
11 years later, I still don't know the immense trauma and tragedy all of those souls experienced, but I have experienced a small sliver of my own. I can't imagine how they feel that everyone seems to have moved on this year. Today seemed like it was just another day for almost everyone. At the same time, I would suspect they are glad that the video isn't everywhere this year. I don't know how I would cope if there was a video of that moment we realized Kyler's heart wasn't beating that was played every tv network over and over again.
Anyway, to the families, loved ones, and everyone effected by September 11, I just want to say I'm sorry. I have no idea what you have been/are going through, but I'm sorry. You are still in our prayers.
11 years later, I still don't know the immense trauma and tragedy all of those souls experienced, but I have experienced a small sliver of my own. I can't imagine how they feel that everyone seems to have moved on this year. Today seemed like it was just another day for almost everyone. At the same time, I would suspect they are glad that the video isn't everywhere this year. I don't know how I would cope if there was a video of that moment we realized Kyler's heart wasn't beating that was played every tv network over and over again.
Anyway, to the families, loved ones, and everyone effected by September 11, I just want to say I'm sorry. I have no idea what you have been/are going through, but I'm sorry. You are still in our prayers.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Ungrateful
I feel so ungrateful for what I have most of the time. I have a good job, car, home. I am, nor have I ever been, food insecure. I am able to afford heath care. I am able to do some fun things. I get lots of time off. I have a great husband, a great job. I should be happy with it all. I feel guilty when I am not. A lot of what we have we worked for in preparation for having Kyler. With out him it feels incomplete. Sometimes I wonder what the point of working is, we could live on a lot less. We just wanted to have a nice home for our kids.
Work has been okay. I trained a few new analysts last week. It went pretty well except every once in a while the calls would slow down and they would start talking. For some reason their conversations always ended up involving their kids. I know people talk a lot about their kids, but it seemed like they were the topic of every conversation. Usually they were complaining about things like the baby waking them up at 3am. I wish my baby woke me up at 3 am. I can't really tell them "Hey, you are reminding me what you have that I don't, and you are being ungrateful about it, so shut up." At least I was able to leave the area some of the time though, that helped. The good news is I get to go back to the days off I had originally, Sat, Sun, Wed. So now I only have to do two days in a row again. That makes me feel a lot more like I can deal with work.
A couple weeks I was having a rough day and it started to really bother me that we never got Kyler's stillbirth certificate. We had asked them to send us one, but never got it. So I went ahead and ordered one. It came a couple days ago. It is nice to have. Proof that he existed, even to the state of Idaho. I didn't expect it to have as much information on it as it does. One thing that is really bothering me is that it says he died because of a placental abruption. After we found out he had died they did a blood test that indicated I had a placental abruption, but then when we delivered him the doctor found the cord wrapped tightly around his neck so she said that was probably what he died from. In fact, she confirmed that when I went in for my checkups after we had him, but the still birth certificate says differently. It doesn't really matter. I guess I have just been trying to wrap my head around "cord accident" for the last 9 months, I don't like another possibility being thrown in the mix. We'll never know exactly what happened and knowing wouldn't bring him back though.
We went to McCall this weekend and rode the "Scenic" chairlift. It wasn't as beautiful as it could have been due to the smoke in the area but it was pretty nice. We rode it up, walked around the summit a bit and rode it back down. Then we went into McCall for lunch. It was a pretty good day, but when we got home I got upset. For some reason I couldn't get over the thought that Kyler would have loved it. He would have loved the car ride and the chair lift. After we got home Clay Ranon and I curled up in bed and watched a movie. That helped me feel a little better.
We also went to the fair today. I wanted to go, but I didn't at the same time. Last year I was pretty upset that I couldn't go to the fair. This year I was wishing I was stuck on the couch pregnant again. We went anyway and had a pretty good time. Oddly enough the chairlift effected me more then the fair.
We are doing okay, but lately it seems like we are doing worse then we have been in months. I don't know if it is all the stress with work and the chaos with my sister or what. Our fridge and cupboards are getting close to empty and we are eating out nearly every meal again. Like we did when I first got home from the hospital. Hopefully the new schedule for work will help us get back on track, or at least back where we were.
Work has been okay. I trained a few new analysts last week. It went pretty well except every once in a while the calls would slow down and they would start talking. For some reason their conversations always ended up involving their kids. I know people talk a lot about their kids, but it seemed like they were the topic of every conversation. Usually they were complaining about things like the baby waking them up at 3am. I wish my baby woke me up at 3 am. I can't really tell them "Hey, you are reminding me what you have that I don't, and you are being ungrateful about it, so shut up." At least I was able to leave the area some of the time though, that helped. The good news is I get to go back to the days off I had originally, Sat, Sun, Wed. So now I only have to do two days in a row again. That makes me feel a lot more like I can deal with work.
A couple weeks I was having a rough day and it started to really bother me that we never got Kyler's stillbirth certificate. We had asked them to send us one, but never got it. So I went ahead and ordered one. It came a couple days ago. It is nice to have. Proof that he existed, even to the state of Idaho. I didn't expect it to have as much information on it as it does. One thing that is really bothering me is that it says he died because of a placental abruption. After we found out he had died they did a blood test that indicated I had a placental abruption, but then when we delivered him the doctor found the cord wrapped tightly around his neck so she said that was probably what he died from. In fact, she confirmed that when I went in for my checkups after we had him, but the still birth certificate says differently. It doesn't really matter. I guess I have just been trying to wrap my head around "cord accident" for the last 9 months, I don't like another possibility being thrown in the mix. We'll never know exactly what happened and knowing wouldn't bring him back though.
We went to McCall this weekend and rode the "Scenic" chairlift. It wasn't as beautiful as it could have been due to the smoke in the area but it was pretty nice. We rode it up, walked around the summit a bit and rode it back down. Then we went into McCall for lunch. It was a pretty good day, but when we got home I got upset. For some reason I couldn't get over the thought that Kyler would have loved it. He would have loved the car ride and the chair lift. After we got home Clay Ranon and I curled up in bed and watched a movie. That helped me feel a little better.
We also went to the fair today. I wanted to go, but I didn't at the same time. Last year I was pretty upset that I couldn't go to the fair. This year I was wishing I was stuck on the couch pregnant again. We went anyway and had a pretty good time. Oddly enough the chairlift effected me more then the fair.
We are doing okay, but lately it seems like we are doing worse then we have been in months. I don't know if it is all the stress with work and the chaos with my sister or what. Our fridge and cupboards are getting close to empty and we are eating out nearly every meal again. Like we did when I first got home from the hospital. Hopefully the new schedule for work will help us get back on track, or at least back where we were.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Kyler's Room
Kyler's room is the only room in the house that doesn't get dirty. We haven't been able to change anything in it other then move some of his stuff from other areas of the house into it. Today I went in to dust. There shouldn't be this layer of dust on everything! It should be being used. I know I've said I try not to get caught up in the should's, but this was hard. His room is still perfect and waiting for him, but he will never come. It's not that we never go in his room, we do but usually it is just for a few seconds to get something or put something in it. I'ts been a long time since I've gone in and looked around. Almost everything is just as we left it Saturday November 5th 2011. I had gotten the "nesting" instinct and we spent most of the day getting everything just so. We reorganized his closet, put the liner in the diaper pail, put the sheets on his crib and cradle. We knew he was coming soon, but he never did. I don't know what it is about today but it just feels like a late fall day in his room and brings back a lot of memories.
Anyway, I don't think I ever shared pictures of his room, and I am very proud of it. So take a look, this is what is room looks like today.
The sympathy cards we received are in his room on the bookshelf. I just read through them. There are 21 of them. They are so nice. My 30th birthday was a week and a half after he was born. There were a bunch of birthday cards mixed in with them. I barely remember my birthday last year. I think this year I am going to do a 31st birthday party and celebrate leaving this year behind since I wasn't able to celebrate 30.
Well, thanks for listening, I feel a little better now. Thanks letting me share his room.
Anyway, I don't think I ever shared pictures of his room, and I am very proud of it. So take a look, this is what is room looks like today.
That is his "backup" going home from the hospital outfit in his crib. We buried him in the other one we had taken. It is laying on top of the blanket we were going to put over his car seat to keep him warm.
The bins in the closet are the big thing we did the day before he was born, we went and bought the cubes and separated his "bigger" clothes into them to make room in the dresser. He had so many clothes.
The bookshelf probably has had the most changes. The memory box the hospital gave us is there, the sympathy cards, his foot/hand casts, his pictures, the Sunday news paper that I was going to read after we got back from having him checked.
We moved his cradle from our room into his room after a few months. Now it holds the pinwheels I collect to take to him, the blankets I make to donate to the hospital, and the parenting magazines that I still have a subscription to (I donate those to the hospital too).
The sympathy cards we received are in his room on the bookshelf. I just read through them. There are 21 of them. They are so nice. My 30th birthday was a week and a half after he was born. There were a bunch of birthday cards mixed in with them. I barely remember my birthday last year. I think this year I am going to do a 31st birthday party and celebrate leaving this year behind since I wasn't able to celebrate 30.
Well, thanks for listening, I feel a little better now. Thanks letting me share his room.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
9 Months
Last week, in the midst of all of the things with my sister, Kyler would have been 9 months old. It will be his birthday in another 3 short months. I'm not ready for that. I did go ahead and ask for it off work. I am not sure what we will do, but I am sure I will not be in any shape to work. I would really like to go back to Hawaii for it, it was so beautiful and peaceful there, but that probably will not happen. We've been visiting his grave a lot lately and I've noticed lots of people bring balloons on their baby's birthday. I think we might do that.
Kyler's impending birthday also means the summer will be over soon. I am not ready for that either. The warm weather and sun helps my heart so much. I wish we could move to somewhere tropical. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the winter. Usually the holidays are exciting to me but I don't think they will be this year. Maybe we will be able to do some good charity work or something fun and useful like that over the winter.
Although there has been a lot of chaos in my life the last few weeks, I'm taking care of myself and doing okay. I took all the days off work that I could when my sister passed away. I haven't been sleeping great so I took one day to just sleep. I am still eating and taking my breaks at work like I should be. Today I did a bunch of yard work that has been neglected. I wouldn't say I am doing well, or happy, but I think I am stable, at least at this second.
9 months is hard. It still feels like it hasn't been very long and is very fresh, but it has been quite a while. I feel like as we move farther from Kyler people don't understand, even more then they did in the beginning, just how much it still effects us. We still think about him ever day, multiple times. We still cry, get mad, get frustrated and get depressed over it all. We deal with it better on a daily basis, but it is not better. It isn't going to be better.
Kyler's impending birthday also means the summer will be over soon. I am not ready for that either. The warm weather and sun helps my heart so much. I wish we could move to somewhere tropical. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the winter. Usually the holidays are exciting to me but I don't think they will be this year. Maybe we will be able to do some good charity work or something fun and useful like that over the winter.
Although there has been a lot of chaos in my life the last few weeks, I'm taking care of myself and doing okay. I took all the days off work that I could when my sister passed away. I haven't been sleeping great so I took one day to just sleep. I am still eating and taking my breaks at work like I should be. Today I did a bunch of yard work that has been neglected. I wouldn't say I am doing well, or happy, but I think I am stable, at least at this second.
9 months is hard. It still feels like it hasn't been very long and is very fresh, but it has been quite a while. I feel like as we move farther from Kyler people don't understand, even more then they did in the beginning, just how much it still effects us. We still think about him ever day, multiple times. We still cry, get mad, get frustrated and get depressed over it all. We deal with it better on a daily basis, but it is not better. It isn't going to be better.
Confessions
I started this post a couple weeks ago but never got it posted because of my strict "no posting while on sedatives policy."
I have had to make a lot of allow my self a bit of crazy just to get through the last nine months. I know others who have lost babies will understand most of these, those who haven't probably won't. Here are a few "confessions" of the weird crazy things I have to do to keep functioning.
I turn off the radio when the "St Al's saves babies" commercials come on. I think it is great that have saved so many babies, but I don't want to hear about it. No one was able to save mine.
I take people who complain about their kids out of my facebook feed and I unfollow their blogs. I'm sorry your kids make you so miserable, can you imagine how miserable you would be with out them. I know parenting isn't easy, but be grateful for what you have.
I throw the baby coupons and mailers in the recycle bin before I set down the rest of the mail. I haven't been able to get off all the mailing lists I signed up for. It's a pretty good stab in the heart every time I get something from babies r su, gerber, Infameal. It just reminds me where I would have been. I also have all my email with the word baby in it go to a folder in my email that I never look at.
I run from pregnant women and those with tiny babies at the store, and I feel bad about it, but I'm glad the pregnant girl quit work. I can't even explain the myriad of feelings they bring up.
I have had to make a lot of allow my self a bit of crazy just to get through the last nine months. I know others who have lost babies will understand most of these, those who haven't probably won't. Here are a few "confessions" of the weird crazy things I have to do to keep functioning.
I turn off the radio when the "St Al's saves babies" commercials come on. I think it is great that have saved so many babies, but I don't want to hear about it. No one was able to save mine.
I take people who complain about their kids out of my facebook feed and I unfollow their blogs. I'm sorry your kids make you so miserable, can you imagine how miserable you would be with out them. I know parenting isn't easy, but be grateful for what you have.
I throw the baby coupons and mailers in the recycle bin before I set down the rest of the mail. I haven't been able to get off all the mailing lists I signed up for. It's a pretty good stab in the heart every time I get something from babies r su, gerber, Infameal. It just reminds me where I would have been. I also have all my email with the word baby in it go to a folder in my email that I never look at.
I run from pregnant women and those with tiny babies at the store, and I feel bad about it, but I'm glad the pregnant girl quit work. I can't even explain the myriad of feelings they bring up.
Kyler and Audra - have fun playing together
It's been a long few weeks since I've written a post. My sister has been battling cancer for the last year. She is my half sister and she always lived with her mom while I lived with my dad, so we were never super close. She'd come visit during my dad's visitation and we'd often show up at my grandma's house at the same time. She was a rebellious teenager (for good reason) and I stopped seeing her much then. When we were together when we were little, we had a lot of fun, and a few fights.
I went on to college, got married, lived my life. For over 10 years I saw her a couple times and didn't talk to her. Spring of 2011 she found out she was sick. Her oldest daughter (who was adopted by another family member) graduated high school that May. She came to the graduation and we talked for the first time. She gave Kyler a pat in my tummy. She got to meet my husband.
Then I got put on bed rest. I had so much stuff going on in my own life I didn't have a chance to keep in touch with her. Sometime while I was focused on Kyler, the doctors determined her cancer was terminal. A couple weeks after Kyler was born I was able to go see her. We talked for quite a while and I shared Kyler's pictures with her and gave her one of his funeral cards. She wasn't well at all then. I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but then she was able to have surgery to relieve some of her problems and she felt a lot better. We came to see her in February and she seemed pretty good. In June she was able make the drive to Boise and come and see us. She got to see my (half) brother again for the first time in probably 20 years and meet his wife and his daughter. She seemed really good then, really happy and calm. Three weeks ago my niece called my dad and firmly suggested that he needed to come and visit one more time before he left on a month long vacation. We came up on a Tuesday two weeks ago. It was a long day, up and back in one day, but it was totally worth it. She felt pretty good and was able to make it out to the couch to sit and chat with us. We talked with her for 4 hours before she got really tired and started hurting again.
A week and a half later, she passed away.
It's sad. She had such a chaotic life. After she was diagnosed it seemed she was actually growing a bit. She was able to reconnect with quite a few people. Her life seemed a lot more calm and stable. I know I was able to help find peace about one of the demons that has haunted her for 30+ years.
Now that she is gone, I'm glad she is not in pain anymore. I really hope that she gets the peace and calm that I think she always wanted. I wanted to ask her before she died if there is a heaven (she had different beliefs) that she would find Kyler and play with him. I never did ask her, but I don't think I really needed to. I think they are already playing.
One of the last questions she asked me right before we left two weeks ago was if Clay and I were going to try to have more kids. She seemed like she really needed to know that we were. I explained our plans, (sorry they are personal right now) and it just seemed to put her at ease. Clay and I like to say Kyler is up there picking out a little sister or brother and they are playing. When they are done playing for a while and the time is right he'll send them to us. I guess now my sister is playing with them both.
Audra May Hendrickson
December 18, 1974 - August 2, 2012
I went on to college, got married, lived my life. For over 10 years I saw her a couple times and didn't talk to her. Spring of 2011 she found out she was sick. Her oldest daughter (who was adopted by another family member) graduated high school that May. She came to the graduation and we talked for the first time. She gave Kyler a pat in my tummy. She got to meet my husband.
Then I got put on bed rest. I had so much stuff going on in my own life I didn't have a chance to keep in touch with her. Sometime while I was focused on Kyler, the doctors determined her cancer was terminal. A couple weeks after Kyler was born I was able to go see her. We talked for quite a while and I shared Kyler's pictures with her and gave her one of his funeral cards. She wasn't well at all then. I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but then she was able to have surgery to relieve some of her problems and she felt a lot better. We came to see her in February and she seemed pretty good. In June she was able make the drive to Boise and come and see us. She got to see my (half) brother again for the first time in probably 20 years and meet his wife and his daughter. She seemed really good then, really happy and calm. Three weeks ago my niece called my dad and firmly suggested that he needed to come and visit one more time before he left on a month long vacation. We came up on a Tuesday two weeks ago. It was a long day, up and back in one day, but it was totally worth it. She felt pretty good and was able to make it out to the couch to sit and chat with us. We talked with her for 4 hours before she got really tired and started hurting again.
A week and a half later, she passed away.
It's sad. She had such a chaotic life. After she was diagnosed it seemed she was actually growing a bit. She was able to reconnect with quite a few people. Her life seemed a lot more calm and stable. I know I was able to help find peace about one of the demons that has haunted her for 30+ years.
Now that she is gone, I'm glad she is not in pain anymore. I really hope that she gets the peace and calm that I think she always wanted. I wanted to ask her before she died if there is a heaven (she had different beliefs) that she would find Kyler and play with him. I never did ask her, but I don't think I really needed to. I think they are already playing.
One of the last questions she asked me right before we left two weeks ago was if Clay and I were going to try to have more kids. She seemed like she really needed to know that we were. I explained our plans, (sorry they are personal right now) and it just seemed to put her at ease. Clay and I like to say Kyler is up there picking out a little sister or brother and they are playing. When they are done playing for a while and the time is right he'll send them to us. I guess now my sister is playing with them both.
Audra May Hendrickson
December 18, 1974 - August 2, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I'm.. still.. here
I've had a rough couple weeks but I'm still here. I haven't had time to write much, especially since I don't allow my self to write after I've taken my sleeping pills. (Less hurt feelings that way.) I'll try to get some time to write soon.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I mow my neighbors lawn
I don't know if I've said it before, but I mow my neighbors lawn. I admit it. It makes me nervous every time I do it. I'm sure she thinks I'm telling her she doesn't take good enough care of it herself. That's not it. I love mowing the lawn, I'm weird I know. Being outside, doing some physical labor, listening to music, having a pretty lawn to show for it when I'm done.. it's the best thing in the world. Yet, I know not everyone shares my feelings, or anyone really. So I mow her lawn. I'm always afraid she'll come out when I am doing it and ask me why I'm doing it. In fact a lot of the time I make sure to do it when I don't think she's there. Totally irrational. Who would get mad at someone for mowing their lawn?
We got Clay another car. Traded straight across for the one he had. It's good to have it done with. Now he's got a car that he kind of likes that hopefully will last until we can get him one he really likes. We still same amount that we did on it, but we moved that to a 0% credit card so we are saving a little bit of money.
There is a little bit of encouraging news for me on the job front, but I think for now I don't want to discuss it. It has given me a little bit of hope though.
I cut my hair short the other day. I had been thinking about cutting it and I had a few spare minutes the other day and just did it. I like it. Right now I am actually dying it blond. Why not. Just a little bit of a change.
We got Clay another car. Traded straight across for the one he had. It's good to have it done with. Now he's got a car that he kind of likes that hopefully will last until we can get him one he really likes. We still same amount that we did on it, but we moved that to a 0% credit card so we are saving a little bit of money.
There is a little bit of encouraging news for me on the job front, but I think for now I don't want to discuss it. It has given me a little bit of hope though.
I cut my hair short the other day. I had been thinking about cutting it and I had a few spare minutes the other day and just did it. I like it. Right now I am actually dying it blond. Why not. Just a little bit of a change.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Progress
I made it through this 5 day stretch of 10 hour days. Now I am off again 6 out of the next 9 days. I accomplished quite a few of my goals this week. I ate a healthy snack and lunch every day at work. I took at least two of my breaks each day. I pretty much just shut down my computer at 6 and said, it can wait until tomorrow. I've been to the gym every day this week except for the night we went bowling. I was even able to get a little bit of good sleep. I still am pretty down but I feel a little better.
Work hasn't been awful. Although I HATE not being able to be off work on the weekends, they are much less stressful for me. I just get to do my thing and make sure that everyone else is doing their thing and we are quite successful with out the micromanaging we have during the week. I have some pretty extreme anger on the weekdays that I am there. I keep thinking I am going to say something on one of those days and get my butt fired. I guess keeping my mouth closed and keeping my job is another accomplishment of the week. Today I was told they were training my replacement so I could go back to my old job. That should be good news but I am still not sure I want to go back to my old job. Plus they said I could go back when my replacement was "up to speed," which could be 2 weeks or 2 months or more. I've been told they would release me back to my old job before.. I guess I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe I'll find something different in the mean time.
We went to our group meeting tonight. I was hoping I'd get to talk a bit since I've been having a rough month, but I wasn't able to really. A new couple came today. Our group is getting bigger, its sad. I'm glad they found the group since it has been so helpful for me, but I wish they didn't have to be there. They are a mere 6 weeks out, they needed to the the focus of the meeting tonight way more then I did. For the last 3 months or so I've been trying to remember to take in some of the extra wrist bands I had gotten, but I hadn't been able to. Today I remembered. It just so happened that I had 3 bands, just enough for the 3 moms of angels there. I did feel kind of bad, the new dad wanted one too but I only had Mom ones. I'm going to order a some more so I have them if I find someone who needs them and make sure to get a few dad ones too.
Last night we went bowling with a group of our friends. It was fun. I'm glad we went. The highlight of the night for me was actually playing with one of those 25 cent little parachute guys and one of those little cheap airplanes. The deal we got for bowling included 2 hours of bowling plus some tokens for those stupid games that give you tickets. Well between the 5 of us we ended up with enough tickets to get an airplane and a parachute guy and we went out in the parking lot afterward and played with them. I'm such a kid.
I've got two days off now. My goal tomorrow is to rest. Puppy and I are going to sleep in as long as I can, then I think I am going to the gym and coming home and taking a nap. :) It sounds wonderful. We'll see if I can actually execute it. I have a very hard time not doing anything lately.
Work hasn't been awful. Although I HATE not being able to be off work on the weekends, they are much less stressful for me. I just get to do my thing and make sure that everyone else is doing their thing and we are quite successful with out the micromanaging we have during the week. I have some pretty extreme anger on the weekdays that I am there. I keep thinking I am going to say something on one of those days and get my butt fired. I guess keeping my mouth closed and keeping my job is another accomplishment of the week. Today I was told they were training my replacement so I could go back to my old job. That should be good news but I am still not sure I want to go back to my old job. Plus they said I could go back when my replacement was "up to speed," which could be 2 weeks or 2 months or more. I've been told they would release me back to my old job before.. I guess I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe I'll find something different in the mean time.
We went to our group meeting tonight. I was hoping I'd get to talk a bit since I've been having a rough month, but I wasn't able to really. A new couple came today. Our group is getting bigger, its sad. I'm glad they found the group since it has been so helpful for me, but I wish they didn't have to be there. They are a mere 6 weeks out, they needed to the the focus of the meeting tonight way more then I did. For the last 3 months or so I've been trying to remember to take in some of the extra wrist bands I had gotten, but I hadn't been able to. Today I remembered. It just so happened that I had 3 bands, just enough for the 3 moms of angels there. I did feel kind of bad, the new dad wanted one too but I only had Mom ones. I'm going to order a some more so I have them if I find someone who needs them and make sure to get a few dad ones too.
Last night we went bowling with a group of our friends. It was fun. I'm glad we went. The highlight of the night for me was actually playing with one of those 25 cent little parachute guys and one of those little cheap airplanes. The deal we got for bowling included 2 hours of bowling plus some tokens for those stupid games that give you tickets. Well between the 5 of us we ended up with enough tickets to get an airplane and a parachute guy and we went out in the parking lot afterward and played with them. I'm such a kid.
I've got two days off now. My goal tomorrow is to rest. Puppy and I are going to sleep in as long as I can, then I think I am going to the gym and coming home and taking a nap. :) It sounds wonderful. We'll see if I can actually execute it. I have a very hard time not doing anything lately.
Friday, July 13, 2012
One Year Since the World Started Tilting
On year ago today, if you count by days of the week, our lives started to turn upside down. We got up early and went down to the most exciting appointment you have when you are pregnant, the one to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We found out pretty quickly we were having a boy, but then things started spinning the minute the doctor called me a wheel chair ride to the hospital. It was our first reality check that there was no guarantee that we would go home with a baby. At this time that Friday night I was alone in my hospital room, trying to wrap my head around what was happening. I'm really not sure what to say. I am glad that we got to keep him for a few more months. I am so glad that I get to spend the night tonight at home with my puppy and husband. It's been a rough day and probably will be a rough weekend for me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
One Day's Goals Accomplished
With the exception of getting a good night sleep, I think I accomplished all my goals for the day. I took two of my breaks at work today (I'm supposed to get 3 but 2 is a good start). I ate a healthy mid morning snack of yogurt, then I actually ate lunch, and it was healthy at that, a salad. I did the best I could at work with out overloading myself. I kept an eye on the clock and pretty much got out of there on time. After work I went to the gym. I came home, browsed some different jobs, and even actually applied for one. I was pretty down all day still, but I feel good that I actually took care of myself.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Woah what happened to you
I went to counseling today. The last time I went she said I was doing so well that she suggested visits every 3 weeks. I didn't feel comfortable about that and said I'd rather stay at 2 weeks, but then the holiday got in the way and it has been 3 weeks. I walked in today already bawling, and was greeted by a woah what happened to you? After our session we decided I REALLY need to take better care of myself. I have a quick and easy healthy Lunch packed for tomorrow. No more fluorescent orange peanut butter and cheese crackers. I am going to take at LEAST 2 15 minute breaks every day. I'm going to watch the clock and leave as soon as I can. If I can start getting out on time it will help me get to the gym more consistently AND still see the hubby for a couple minutes before bed.
They announced today that my company is trying to sell itself. I hope that they do and that they don't. I'm sure if they did come up with a deal we would still have a few months before they started making cuts. Hopefully if the company does implode I'll get a good severance.
My counselor suggested I try applying for other jobs. I looked a little but didn't see anything that intrigued me. I'll keep looking off and on for both me and clay. If we could get him in a good job WITH insurance it would take the pressure off me
I'm headed into another of those awful 5 ten hour day weeks tomorrow. Yuck! One day , one hour, one minute at a time.
They announced today that my company is trying to sell itself. I hope that they do and that they don't. I'm sure if they did come up with a deal we would still have a few months before they started making cuts. Hopefully if the company does implode I'll get a good severance.
My counselor suggested I try applying for other jobs. I looked a little but didn't see anything that intrigued me. I'll keep looking off and on for both me and clay. If we could get him in a good job WITH insurance it would take the pressure off me
I'm headed into another of those awful 5 ten hour day weeks tomorrow. Yuck! One day , one hour, one minute at a time.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Not Any Worse
In the last week things haven't gotten any worse, but they haven't gotten any better. I still am pretty gloomy. I didn't miss any work last week, which was good, although I spent most of the week fighting anger and more then once almost said somethings to my boss that would have gotten me fired in a heartbeat. I feel bad that Clay has to deal with me being grumpy and gloomy. I want to go out and just have fun with him but I haven't been able to the last few weeks. I try, it just doesn't happen. I think he feels pretty helpless. I do too.
I just checked my Facebook profile and I noticed that my announcement of Kyler's birth didn't show on my main page that bothered me, so I went through and found it. While I was looking I read through all my posts from last year. Sometimes I wish I could talk to that girl, warn her about the out of control run away train bearing down on her. If she only knew... but then again, if she knew it wouldn't have made things better. She would have spent 8 months worrying about the impending torture. Anyway, I did find the post I made when I came back to Facebook after the week I spent deactivated. I was able to read through all the comments, which I think is what I really wanted, and I was able to make it show up on my main timeline.
I am still having a hard time coming to terms with just how horrible of friends some of my "friends" ended up being in the end. I swear, sometimes I think that they think if they ignore me I'll just disappear. Yeah, I know, being my friend right now is difficult, awkward, and sad sometimes, but imagine what is is like to live our lives. I am SOOO thankful for the two really good friends who have put in the effort and dealt with the awkwardness. I don't know where I would be with out them.
I wish we had something to look forward to right now but we don't really. I don't have any vacation scheduled off, there is no point. We don't know how long Clay is going to be at the job he is at. All the plans we've made recently have fell through or turned out badly. We wanted to have the best summer ever, but summer is quickly passing by us. We only get 2 days off together every two weeks, if that. Maybe in September we'll be able to go do something. We'll see.
We spent this weekend out looking at cars for Clay. The car he has now is actually worth more now then we paid for it new! It was never what he wanted, but it was what we needed. Now the warranty is about to expire and it is almost paid off. I have this bad feeling that if we don't get rid of it now the value will plummet, it will start having mechanical problems or both, so I want to get rid of it. If we play our cards right we hopefully can get a little bit older, more reliable, nicer car and come out even. We found a few we want to take a second look at. We might be out signing paperwork tomorrow night.
Work is work. It doesn't look like I am going back to my old job anytime soon. At least not until the new project stabilizes. I guess it is okay, I am not sure I want the old job either. It is seeming like we were set up to fail with this new project. I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and I don't think I really want to. I just need to stay away from that boss that makes me sooooooooo angry. I've let myself get too overwhelmed, overworked, burnt out and invested with this project. I've been working straight 10 hour days with out breaks or even really any time to even say hi to my co-workers. I feel guilty if I step away from my desk long enough to use the restroom. Even with as hard as I've been working I get messages from the one boss asking me to do more.. argh. I don't need to do more. I can't do more. In fact I need to do less. I need to slow down. I'm going to start trying really hard to at least take my breaks and get in and out of there on time.
Complain, complain, complain. I know. It's just how things are going right now. I am still appreciating the little things, they are just being overshadowed by the not so great things. Here's a few of the beautiful pictures I've taken in the past few weeks to lighten things up a bit.
I just checked my Facebook profile and I noticed that my announcement of Kyler's birth didn't show on my main page that bothered me, so I went through and found it. While I was looking I read through all my posts from last year. Sometimes I wish I could talk to that girl, warn her about the out of control run away train bearing down on her. If she only knew... but then again, if she knew it wouldn't have made things better. She would have spent 8 months worrying about the impending torture. Anyway, I did find the post I made when I came back to Facebook after the week I spent deactivated. I was able to read through all the comments, which I think is what I really wanted, and I was able to make it show up on my main timeline.
I am still having a hard time coming to terms with just how horrible of friends some of my "friends" ended up being in the end. I swear, sometimes I think that they think if they ignore me I'll just disappear. Yeah, I know, being my friend right now is difficult, awkward, and sad sometimes, but imagine what is is like to live our lives. I am SOOO thankful for the two really good friends who have put in the effort and dealt with the awkwardness. I don't know where I would be with out them.
I wish we had something to look forward to right now but we don't really. I don't have any vacation scheduled off, there is no point. We don't know how long Clay is going to be at the job he is at. All the plans we've made recently have fell through or turned out badly. We wanted to have the best summer ever, but summer is quickly passing by us. We only get 2 days off together every two weeks, if that. Maybe in September we'll be able to go do something. We'll see.
We spent this weekend out looking at cars for Clay. The car he has now is actually worth more now then we paid for it new! It was never what he wanted, but it was what we needed. Now the warranty is about to expire and it is almost paid off. I have this bad feeling that if we don't get rid of it now the value will plummet, it will start having mechanical problems or both, so I want to get rid of it. If we play our cards right we hopefully can get a little bit older, more reliable, nicer car and come out even. We found a few we want to take a second look at. We might be out signing paperwork tomorrow night.
Work is work. It doesn't look like I am going back to my old job anytime soon. At least not until the new project stabilizes. I guess it is okay, I am not sure I want the old job either. It is seeming like we were set up to fail with this new project. I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and I don't think I really want to. I just need to stay away from that boss that makes me sooooooooo angry. I've let myself get too overwhelmed, overworked, burnt out and invested with this project. I've been working straight 10 hour days with out breaks or even really any time to even say hi to my co-workers. I feel guilty if I step away from my desk long enough to use the restroom. Even with as hard as I've been working I get messages from the one boss asking me to do more.. argh. I don't need to do more. I can't do more. In fact I need to do less. I need to slow down. I'm going to start trying really hard to at least take my breaks and get in and out of there on time.
Complain, complain, complain. I know. It's just how things are going right now. I am still appreciating the little things, they are just being overshadowed by the not so great things. Here's a few of the beautiful pictures I've taken in the past few weeks to lighten things up a bit.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
All I Wanted Was A Baby
All I wanted was to have a baby. Pretty simple right. People have them every day, often by mistake, and it all works out. We'd been married 3 years, together for 6, and planning for babies pretty much the whole time. We had a house, two cars. I had a good job, Clay was finishing his associates and was going to find a good job. I had good health insurance, a flexible spending account. We had savings. We were happy. It was time.
We didn't get the baby.
Now we have debt. We have more sorrow then anyone should have. I have a hard time going to work, but we need the money to pay the debt. I was moved into a different position at work, that I don't like, but I don't want the old one back really either. I want to quit more then I ever could have imagined was possible, but I'm stuck. I can't even pretend that I would quit. There is no way I could find another job that pays close to what the current one can and has benefits like I have now. With out my job we don't keep the house and one of the cars. We don't keep the health insurance that is keeping me in enough pills and counseling to get out of bed every day. We still have a little bit of savings that we need to keep in case I do go off the deep end.
I feel ungrateful. We are doing okay. We haven't lost the house, the cars, my job, our insurance. But it's hard, really hard.
All I wanted was a baby.. all I still want is a baby
We didn't get the baby.
Now we have debt. We have more sorrow then anyone should have. I have a hard time going to work, but we need the money to pay the debt. I was moved into a different position at work, that I don't like, but I don't want the old one back really either. I want to quit more then I ever could have imagined was possible, but I'm stuck. I can't even pretend that I would quit. There is no way I could find another job that pays close to what the current one can and has benefits like I have now. With out my job we don't keep the house and one of the cars. We don't keep the health insurance that is keeping me in enough pills and counseling to get out of bed every day. We still have a little bit of savings that we need to keep in case I do go off the deep end.
I feel ungrateful. We are doing okay. We haven't lost the house, the cars, my job, our insurance. But it's hard, really hard.
All I wanted was a baby.. all I still want is a baby
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Gloomy
I'm having a hard time shaking this gloomy mood I'm in. I just feel like curling up on the couch and watching movies with the pup for days on end, or maybe just laying in the sun snoozing. I have no energy or motivation. In a way it kind of feels right. It has been nearly 8 months since we lost Kyler and all of a sudden I feel the loss more in the last few days then I have in the last few months. I don't know why.
We are quickly approaching a year from when I got put on bedrest. July 15th it will be a year. That is going to be a hard few days for me. Last July 15-17th were the worst days that I had had in my life up until that point. It was the first time I realized that we might not actually have Kyler.
I think I am just a bit burnt out on pretending that everything is peachy. It is better but definatley not peachy. 8 months is a very long time in the real world, but in the world of loss and trama it is very short. Trama, yes I said it.. I am experiencing PTSD A lot of those people who haven't lived in our shoes think that we should be "better" by now. That's not the way it works. We miss him every day, and would love to just curl up and cry about it but we have to keep on living in the real world and be functioning adults. Sometimes people don't want to talk about Kyler, it makes them uncomfortable and they are afraid they are "reminding us". For those of you who have children, has anyone ever had to remind you that you had them? I'd venture to say no. It is the same with Kyler, we never forget about him so you can't "remind" us about him. He is always with us. Don't be afraid to talk about him.
I ended up having 5 days in a row off since I cut out of work after 20 minutes on Monday. I have to go back tomorrow. I hope it is at least a little bit better. I have to work five 10 hour shifts a a row now. I hope I can make it through them all. I don't want to flake out on them (or burn more of my PTO) but I also need to take care of myself. I've been thinking a data entry, number crunching, paper pushing, behind the scenes type job would be better for me right now, but that is not much of an option for me. I need to try and ride it out where I am at. The money I make now will help pay off all those doctor's bills, and the insurance will keep us from getting too many more, hopefully. With all the counseling and everything I have been going to I already hit the deductible for our health insurance for the year, who knows what the rest of the year will bring. It is very unlikely that I could get another job that pays as well and gives benefits like mine does.
The last 3 days off have been good for me though. I spent Monday curled up both on the couch and outside in the sun with my dog. Yesterday I got up and motivated and went to the gym, did yard work, did housework and just felt accomplished. Today I got the dog to the groomers, went to the store, washed my car, laid in the sun and worked on my cross stich. I was sad and gloomy most of the time but not to the point of crying. Tonight we went out bowling with a couple of our friends. That was a lot of fun. I would almost say it was more fun then anything we did at Lagoon. I can't believe an innocent little trip to Lagoon set me back this far again, but maybe that means I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and that I still need to take things slowly.
One of my friends who has been awesome had a baby just a few months before I did. She has done well getting a baby sitter for her baby whenever we hang out, but I am beginning to think that maybe is time I meet her. I want to but I also don't want to have it heartbreak me like going to lagoon did. I think I will wait on it for a little longer
We are quickly approaching a year from when I got put on bedrest. July 15th it will be a year. That is going to be a hard few days for me. Last July 15-17th were the worst days that I had had in my life up until that point. It was the first time I realized that we might not actually have Kyler.
I think I am just a bit burnt out on pretending that everything is peachy. It is better but definatley not peachy. 8 months is a very long time in the real world, but in the world of loss and trama it is very short. Trama, yes I said it.. I am experiencing PTSD A lot of those people who haven't lived in our shoes think that we should be "better" by now. That's not the way it works. We miss him every day, and would love to just curl up and cry about it but we have to keep on living in the real world and be functioning adults. Sometimes people don't want to talk about Kyler, it makes them uncomfortable and they are afraid they are "reminding us". For those of you who have children, has anyone ever had to remind you that you had them? I'd venture to say no. It is the same with Kyler, we never forget about him so you can't "remind" us about him. He is always with us. Don't be afraid to talk about him.
I ended up having 5 days in a row off since I cut out of work after 20 minutes on Monday. I have to go back tomorrow. I hope it is at least a little bit better. I have to work five 10 hour shifts a a row now. I hope I can make it through them all. I don't want to flake out on them (or burn more of my PTO) but I also need to take care of myself. I've been thinking a data entry, number crunching, paper pushing, behind the scenes type job would be better for me right now, but that is not much of an option for me. I need to try and ride it out where I am at. The money I make now will help pay off all those doctor's bills, and the insurance will keep us from getting too many more, hopefully. With all the counseling and everything I have been going to I already hit the deductible for our health insurance for the year, who knows what the rest of the year will bring. It is very unlikely that I could get another job that pays as well and gives benefits like mine does.
The last 3 days off have been good for me though. I spent Monday curled up both on the couch and outside in the sun with my dog. Yesterday I got up and motivated and went to the gym, did yard work, did housework and just felt accomplished. Today I got the dog to the groomers, went to the store, washed my car, laid in the sun and worked on my cross stich. I was sad and gloomy most of the time but not to the point of crying. Tonight we went out bowling with a couple of our friends. That was a lot of fun. I would almost say it was more fun then anything we did at Lagoon. I can't believe an innocent little trip to Lagoon set me back this far again, but maybe that means I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and that I still need to take things slowly.
One of my friends who has been awesome had a baby just a few months before I did. She has done well getting a baby sitter for her baby whenever we hang out, but I am beginning to think that maybe is time I meet her. I want to but I also don't want to have it heartbreak me like going to lagoon did. I think I will wait on it for a little longer
Monday, June 25, 2012
Quick Note
Just a couple things I wanted to share. First, I have an awesome little family. My husband and pup stayed up late last night trying to console me. After Clay got home they crashed on the couch together. I am so appreciative of them, especially Clay staying up late when he knew he had to go to work early.
Second, I am not sure if I've shared my project bear before. He's this little guy that the nurse brought in and slipped under my arm while I was in labor. He didn't leave my side the first two weeks I was home, you can see the wear on him already. Now he sits on my night stand, except last night and today when he again followed me around. More info on project bears can be found at http://www.projectbear.us/ It's an awesome project.
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